[1]This is not applicable in cases where the device is being used for spirit/cross-dimensional communication, in which the party at the other end will necessarily be a weirdo by conventional definitions, but not occasion immediate disconnection. This case is, in a sense, ambiguous in terms of the appropriateness of Lulu's response.
[2]Wicked portmanteau: Texile- when one is exiled to Texas after committing too many evil acts in a more civilized locale. Usually serves said evil-doer well.
[3]Though it has not yet been revealed, this writer has discovered the secret to time-travel; that which overcomes every paradox known to fiction: slime.
[4]Obviously not a problem for the multi-dimensional set.
[5]It was only recently discovered that Komodo Dragons are venomous. Before it was assumed that their mouths were so dirty and bacteria laden their victims died of massive infection after being bitten. That's how gross they are.
[6]A bionic limb did not occur to her. Any claims otherwise are just not true.
[7]She was also picturing a bionic limb.
[8]Having what is known as a prosthetic limb is likely not as great as Lulu pictured, but Lulu was caught up in her imaginings and didn't think through the practical problems of such an outcome. She'd gotten most of her understanding of this situation from animated movies. This is definitely a part of the story that some will find distasteful, but, be that as it may, it is what Lulu was thinking and she doesn’t always conform her thoughts within the strictest bounds of propriety. Let this serve as a warning regarding future reported or purported thoughts attributed to any fictional or real character herein. You were also warned in the prologue not to read this book, so suck it up.
[9]What would Jake do?
[10]They aren't very. But some spiders like the Australian Atrax Robustus, and the Brazilian Walking Spider are quite poisonous. Those spiders don't live in or around Walla Walla, with the possible exception of a hexing or cursing event.
[11]Formerly a made up deranged killer who targeted kids who were late for dinner.
[12]Precise memory of the exact wording here is in doubt since it's all so ridiculous.
[13]Lulu should have opted for a more Latinate word for crap, like feces, as Latinate words come from the French and are never dirty even when they describe the same things as words that are dirty. This is a good strategy for using dirty language in a way that nobody can criticize and it's educational. Always choose the educational route, or it will choose you.
[14]As the witch is older than Jake, it's unclear that he has any authority on the subject, which is something he's never let deter him from commentary.
[15]It should be noted, just for the record, that she still has plans for Jake when her busy schedule permits.
[16]Wicked portmanteau: vacatiocide- a vacation taken for the express purpose of committing homicide. Precludes being invited back, so must be used sparingly. This was likely what she had planned before being flustered by the bezoar loss.
[17]In 1575, a doctor named Ambroise Pare decided to test the efficacy of a bezoar. At the time bezoars were deemed to be able to neutralize any poison. Pare convinced his cook, who had been caught stealing silverware to ingest some poison in order to test the bezoar. The cook died a horrible death when the bezoar failed to work. The advantage of this for Pare was that he had settled the matter of whether or not the bezoar worked. The cook had also settled for himself the same question.
[18]A saying that means to remain skeptical. Taken from a poison antidote recipe written down by some guy named Pliny the Elder.
[19]The bezoar in question is actually fairly compacted and not particularly dirty. The witch was carrying it because the chain she wore it on broke. She did not touch it to her food, as she’s immune to poison anyway. It was simply a horrid fashion accessory of un-imaginal magical significance. Jake was just trying to amplify the drama.
[20]The lucky sock effect is something that is now being studied for possible past-future application.
[21]These have since been eradicated.
[22]Her plan was to control all taco-making in our Milky Way Galaxy, along with the Andromeda Galaxy. The fact is, her plan was already well underway.
[23]Marginal is the lowest level of magical credential. Marginal magic practitioners are not qualified to even think about, much less give advice on, wickidity, unless that advice is something along the lines of “run away.”
[24]The sighting was reported in the April, 1995 issue of Discover Magazine.
[25]A shrubbery trimmed in an ornamental shape, like an animal. Perhaps Sasquatch, or a Jackalope, for example. These shrubberies may or may not move about on their own depending upon where one lives.
[26]The Wicked Witch of West Texas is officially the most powerful evildoer in the known universe. This matter had once been a subject of debate until her competition was discovered to have become an entirely new species of slime mold. That settled the matter and contributed to the body of knowledge (along with some other slime emitting creatures of later creation) surrounding slime and it’s many uses.
[27]The Cokin is the part of the brain that is responsible for dreams, imaginings and weirdness.
[28]A sign of future events. Jake's interpretation should be taken with a grain of imitation salt.
[29]PSA: Balloons are one of the most dangerous things for children to play with, specifically because the Heimlich Maneuver cannot dislodge them from the windpipe.
[30]This was later dubbed The Reggie Effect. It is now an accepted principle that being around an annoying person like Reggie can lead a person to embrace weird practices out of desperation.
[31]The witch is a connoisseur of art and design. Connoisseur is a word originally from French that means: a person who is an expert in matters of taste.
[32]The Marginal Wizard was clearly giving them the fairy tale treatment.
[33]It should be noted that visualization can be a very useful skill. Lulu was doing well to practice it regularly. It's particularly useful when crossed with multi-dimensionality.
[34]Fear of numbers, fear of the number thirteen, fear of the number four, and fear of the number six hundred sixty six. (Don't be fooled by the fact that the last one sounds like fear of hexes. Although he has a phobia of those too.)
[35]Fear of palindromes, or words that are spelled the same way forward and backward. Aibohphobia is, itself, a palindrome.
[36]When people are seen in the background in a movie and appear to be talking they just say Walla Walla to each other, thus these scenes are termed “Walla Walla scenes.” The wicked witch origin of this custom is lost on the movie industry. Either that or the Wicked Witch of West Texas has shadowy connections within the movie industrial complex that are so far unknown.
[37]The family explained the curse to the kids as being a side-effect of Jake's lucky sock production, and as such a thing they had to keep hush-hush.
[38]She liked surprises, but only when they were actually surprises, meaning that she didn't already know they were coming.
[39]Bug studiers.
[40]He was still pretty puce.
[41]Lulu would later learn that this was a logical fallacy, based on mistaking cause and effect. (If you wish to obfuscate say something like this: Post hoc ergo propter hoc.) Scientists, however, have documented real positive effects of good luck objects in performance activities. In other words, if you believe that the shoes will make you faster they might. But they won't help you win a raffle. The possibility that the shoes had some real magical charm attached to them has not been adequately researched to make an assertion in that regard at this point in time.
[42]A problem common in the knowledge-deficient. There is no cure because the victim is unaware of his trouble and, therefore, refuses to attempt a cure.
[43]Of course, this is before Lulu and Reggie ran afoul of the creature actually known as the Nightmare Hag, and after, as well.
[44]The witch’s prismatic-dimensional vision of space/time became permanent after the application of this hairdo, particularly after the snakes were released into the wilds.
[45]Lulu's belief that it was malice there has not been confirmed.
[46]The side-effect was inconvenient in one sense, but had the benefit of adding some awful statuary to the witch's collection, which can be recycled for baking sweets.
[47]A girl in England died in 1999 after doctors removed a bezoar the size of a football from her stomach, which was the result of her chewing on her hair. Obsessive hair-chewing is sometimes called Rapunzel syndrome, which is a handy reminder that if imprisoned in a tower by a witch, one should not chew her hair.
[48]There is actually a point system for obfuscutory practrices. Purely made-up words, obscure words, those in languages other than the primary language of the main audience, codes, nonsense, and many other categories exist. A perfect score would involve a purely clarion expression rendered entirely turbid for the intended reader. Addressing a Japanese-speaking audience in Navajo would be a consummate example, while adding metaphor would heighten the effect.
[49]Lulu was remembering the story of Laurie, so her taunts are rather inexplicable.
[50]Schrödinger’s cat is only a thought experiment, conceived of by physicist Erwin Schrödinger with his friend, Albert Einstein. Nobody knows how this thought-cat ended up in the witch’s home or how it coughed up a hairball. The fact is it’s incomprehensible, and based in some very complex magic.
[51]Didn't, doesn't, won't.
[52]Esperanto is a language made up by L.L. Zamenhof in the 1880s, a universal second language to foster harmony and international understanding. There are between one and two million speakers of Esperanto in the world. The 1965 movie Incubus starring William Shatner was made entirely in Esperanto.
[53]Translation: “These are the children I told you about.”
[54]Wicked portmanteau: eduvaricate- to educate by means of feeding the target lies and misinformation. Among wickidity practitioners it's considered the most effective method, particularly when the lies and misinformation are contradictory, as this creates a condition of profound ambiguity forcing the student to struggle for answers or go bonkers. It also creates a student who refuses to believe anything it is told without absolute proof, which imbues the student with absolute immunity to many forms of both nonsense and truth and eventually leads to being able to consciously holding conflicting beliefs without any ill effect.
[55]Irony is a situation that is exactly opposite of what one would expect. State pride might make some want to keep the state clean, but in the case of Texas, led to littering.
[56]Aka, Bigfoot, or Skunkape. Washington's Skamania County has a law requiring a $10,000 fine and five years in prison for anyone who kills a Bigfoot. Bigfoot is a frequent visitor to the Walla Walla area.
[57]Food.
[58]Horchata (pronounced or-CHA-tah) is a cinnamon rice milk of Mexican origin, which is quite delicious and not hard to make. There will be a recipe at the end of this book.
[59]Mythological winged creatures whose name means “that which snatches.” Lulu didn’t know that, but knew that they are supposed to be terribly noisy.
[60]Clouds’ altitudes are classified numerically, the highest being ‘nine.’ This means a person is so happy she is above worldly concerns, including having been shrunk to the size of a common tooth fairy.
[61]President Teddy Roosevelt had a Rat Terrier in the White House during his time as president.
[62]Which is a pointless end to a story, and couldn't happen here.
[63]A fathom is a unit of measurement usually used for depth of water. It can also be a verb meaning ‘to understand.’
[64]The custom of saying "bless you,” to a sneezer supposedly relates to superstitions involving sneezing that may relate to many things including demons and black death.
[65]Proving time is relative.
[66]How she might have known this is anybody's guess.
[67] Lulu probably pictured a monkey.
[68]In fact, it’s considered the least safe of all activities.
[69]Stephen Hawking could, presumably, explain the witch’s statement because he’s a famous physicist. Unfortunately, Stephen Hawking was unavailable for telling of this tale. For the purpose of the story one can simply take this as a bit of nonsense made for obfuscation.
[70]Multi-colored stripes were the partial subject of his rejected dissertation in Textual Façade Studies, which was tentatively titled: Invidious Citrine: Chromatic Jalousie and Verdant Permutations in Intertextual Deuteranopianism and Stripes. It was later found that a certain rather wicked individual may have penned the horrid thing with an eye to confusing the colorblind.
[71]Cashmere is made from special goat hair.
[72]Portmanteaus are also great for packing words together, like breakfast and lunch, to make ‘brunch’.
[73]Lulu later discovered her most flattering color was puce plaid paired with paisley and polka dots. This conforms to the well-known fashion school: The Trompe L'oeil Terror or the closely related Op L'oeil Terror.
[74]You can’t believe a tale told by a Jackalope. It will be full of bluster and rage, but mean absolutely nothing.
[75]The fact is, imaginary creatures of such miniature stature are not considered dangerous, except to the very suggestible, to whom they pose an ultimate danger.
[76]Probably a portmanteau of slimy and weird.
[77]Most likely a combination of frugal and envious.
[78]Never credulate a calumny communicated by a creepy critter. It will be all kerfuffle without an iota of import.
[79]Don’t ponder points postulated by a piñata. They will be prevaricating and petty, purporting pedantry.
[80]Careful citing sagas supplied by Cybil. Some sound sibilant and seductive, but are still subversive.
[81]Beware believing facts bandied about by witches. They will be redolent of ridiculousness and absurdity, imparting only perplexity.
[82]Leave off legitimizing observations uttered by Lulu. They are laughable and lamentable, efficacious only for excess.
[83]The girl’s name actually was Special, a fact that the witch took to mean that her parents intended that she should be on a menu somewhere, so now Special is awaiting her turn as an ingredient in a dessert special. Chocolate Mousse would seem Special’s likely destination.
[84]Never accredit an anecdote announced by a coyote. It will be replete with hoo-ha and hullabaloo, explaining nada.
[85]Don’t listen to a Snipe. Anything it tells you will be like a parable told by a platypus, chock full of platitudes and pandering, while pertaining to practically zilch.
[86]Glime/slitter- another witch invention/portmantau combining the wonderful qualities of both glitter and slime.
[87]Just another of those nasty paradoxes, which somehow made sense.
[88]The insects were inspired by the American Snout, a real species that exists in Texas. The witch thought they’d be a nice addition to Sugarland.
[89]Kubla wore uranium red and arsenic green stripes on his pants.
[90]Kubla is also anti-polkadotalian and anti-zigzagatarian.
[91]The Nightmare Hag is a fine illustration of one of the witch’s portmanteaus from her primaries: whimsickening. It combines the horridity of a terrible affliction with a dose of whimsy.
[92]The appearance of the creature was inspired by a painting of a victim of sleep paralysis, known colloquially as “old hag syndrome.”
[93]Wicktionary: hexplosion- hexing leading to the victim exploding.
[94]The first and foremost of which, was, of course, the existence of a wicked witch in the family tree.
[95]Even as she made this determination, she imagined the advantages of having her entire immediate family, and perhaps even the entire town, obliviated, which she is clearly not going to do.
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