It wasn't long after she banged down the phone receiver, cutting short her conversation with the Wicked Witch of West Texas, that Lulu, Reggie and Jake were driving up into the Magical Mountains toward Calamity Flats.
“Witches,” Lulu explained in what Reggie called her know-it-all voice, “use all kinds of creepy stuff in their potions. Stuff like eye of newt, toe of frog, scale of dragon, and wool of bat, or at least that’s what I read.” She was secretly very interested in what this wicked witch would be like if they met. Of course, though she did sound horrible, all kinds of interesting things might happen if you got involved with a wicked witch. Way better stuff than usually happened in Walla Walla. Walla Walla does have its charms-- the headless ghosts of Marcus and Narcissa Whitman who still prowl the grounds of the mission near town being among them. Not to mention the several dimensional portals left behind by the then Wicked Witch of Walla Walla, which nobody really knows about until they happen into one. Those people, if they do return, deemed crazy and shunned.
These doors presumably could come in handy for one who might be an aspiring wicked witch, but surely that won't be applicable to anyone reading this text. Granted some locales, like Walla Walla, for instance, have qualities that might engender in some people of unusually adventurous leanings a more than average yearning for exotic experiences.
One small part of Lulu’s brain, a part she knew she should make shut up and most likely the same cerebral region[27]that was responsible for excessive imaginings, was telling her meeting a witch might be the most exciting thing she'd ever done. Maybe the whole town of Walla Walla would get a plague of giant zombie flesh-eating caterpillars for instance, that would have everyone running, screaming down the streets. That would be exciting to see. If it happened Lulu would lock herself in the car until they were done, because flesh-eating caterpillars would have no way of getting in the car. Then she'd watch everyone freak out until the National Guard came and saved her. Walla Walla needed a little livening up, that was for sure.
“Why’s it so dark in the middle of the day?” Reggie asked as they descended into twilight driving down the mountainside into the valley.
“I have no idea,” answered Jake, turning on his headlights, “but it certainly is strange. Especially since it’s just noon.”
What Jake didn’t mention was that the darkness in the middle of the day could be taken as an omen, and it was probably a bad one.[28]He didn’t mention this because he didn’t believe in omens. The witch did, though, and his disbelief didn’t keep him from having an uneasy feeling about it. On this, of all days he’d have preferred no such foreboding signs. He reminded himself that intelligent people do not believe in such supernatural nonsense, and decided to eject the notion from his brain. He also reminded himself about his socks. They were lucky enough, he hoped, to cancel out a bad omen.
When they finally arrived, Jake pulled the car into a parking lot at a strip mall.
“I don’t know why it’s dark,” Jake stated, “but I’ll bet the Marginal Wizard had something to do with it.” He hoped so, because a logical explanation would defeat the silly superstition of all that omen nonsense and because if the Marginal Wizard were responsible for this it might indicate competence. Lulu and Reggie followed Jake toward the store, which the sign declared to be “Magic Mountain Fudge Factory.”
Somehow the commonplace little strip mall wasn't exactly what Lulu pictured when Jake mentioned going to see the wizard. It wasn't at all reassuring. One tends to picture a wizard in a dark forest dwelling, or, conversely, someplace fabulous that was all done up in exotic jewel tones. Maybe a brick road, and enchanted forest, a quest. Not a strip mall, and definitely not selling fudge on the side. She hoped the Wicked Witch of West Texas didn't turn out to be just a crank in a storefront too, which would be hideously disappointing. Then she reminded herself that the witch was her enemy, but the fireflies were still there.
“Don’t mind the dark, just a little potion spill. I’ll have it cleaned up in a matter of minutes,” declared the weird looking guy with frizzy red hair and bulging blue eyes who towered over the fudge counter. He was wearing a white apron and a purple wizard hat and was looking through a very big book. He seemed flustered, which Lulu also found not-reassuring. He was panting and pulling at his beard and she was sure his eyes would soon pop right out of his head and go bouncing around the interior of the fudge shop. They’d probably land inside the huge copper pot of fudge to his right. Eyeball fudge. Gross.
Jake, for one, was reassured by the wizard's explanation about the potion spill. There was no omen, he realized, just one incompetent wizard, so he had his logical explanation and also an indication that the wizard was legitimate. Later events might lead Jake --temporarily-- to reconsider his dismissal of the omen, but for now, at least, he felt a lot better.
“Special on peanut butter rocky road cherry delight today,” the wizard called out, smiling an awkward smile. Lulu thought he actually looked scared. What she didn't know was that his Marginal license didn’t allow him any access to potions at all. That required a Wickidity Warrant, and he didn't even have his Perniciousness Permit. There was a very real, and frightening, chance of his catching the attention of a certain really wickedwitch, who would not look kindly on his behavior. This witch, as was mentioned earlier, had a very real reason, in his mind, to punish him and a penchant for punishing people without cause, even if they were friends.
“We aren’t here for fudge,” Jake informed him, but the wizard, if indeed this strange character could be believed to be a wizard, looked so discombobulated that Lulu and Reggie ended up with a square of fudge each. Reggie instantly began stuffing the fudge in his mouth, getting quite a bit on his face, as Jake explained the real reason for their visit.
Lulu gave him a dirty look. She hoped the wizard would help them and Reggie’s grossness wasn’t going to impress him. Reggie responded by opening his mouth and giving her a view of chewed up rocky road fudge, which made her so mad she kicked him. Luckily, Jake didn’t notice and Reggie’s mouth was now so full all he could do was groan. She wondered what would happen if he started choking on all that fudge. Does the Heimlich Maneuver work on a gooey ball of fudge? She couldn't say, but she thought it unlikely. It would be interesting to find out, though. She considered kicking him again to see what might happen but Jake glanced at her and she thought better of the idea. She’d try to remember to experiment with it later. Lulu decided to save her square of fudge for exactly that reason. Well that, and the fact that there was a long-haired cat walking around on the fudge counter and she was sure cat hair fudge was probably overrated. Eyeball and cat hair fudge. Lulu smiled.[29]
"Hmmm," The Marginal Wizard said stroking his beard as Jake's explanation became ever more convoluted and started to reference things as varied as astronomy and toe fungus. Lulu could tell the wizard was just pretending to follow the whole thing and probably was hoping they’d leave soon, as he kept glancing at what looked like a television remote by the cash register.
Lulu looked at Reggie standing there with fudge all over his face and, for the first time since the phone call that would change everything, a very promising thought occurred to her. Perhaps the witch would show up someday and take him. Or maybe she'd just turn him into a monkey, or something like that, and she could keep him for a pet and feed him bananas and teach him to get her a glass of water or sandwich when she was reading. That would be really cool. He could ride on her bicycle handlebars and do other stupid tricks. She'd take him everywhere with her. That would be the ideal use for a brother and it made for an excellent imagining. He wouldn't even mind his transformation, because he basically acted like a monkey most of the time anyway, Lulu thought. And if he really were a monkey, nobody would mind that he acted like one. Lulu smiled at Reggie as sweetly as she could. He opened his mouth again to show her the slimy ball of fudge. Perhaps she could send the Wicked Witch of West Texas a plea for help. It seemed her only hope. She concentrated on projecting a message to the witch.[30]
Her parents called her sometimes dislike of Reggie “sibling rivalry,” which they said was “normal.” To Lulu that just meant they thought it wasn’t very important. Lulu didn’t think they took her annoyance with Reggie seriously enough. He really did do things to deliberately irritate her. She did things to annoy him, too, but only because she did things to annoy her. The worst part was that they told her that she’d have to live with him “forever” because they were family. But this wicked witch was, as they now told it, family. It might also be noted that Jake’s older sister’s annoyance with him had long ago been dismissed as sibling rivalry.
“Well, that is a problem,” said the Marginal Wizard having listened to Jake’s explanation, “But, luckily for you, I used to work for the wicked witch of whom you speak, back when she was Western Washington based, so I just happen to have something.” He reached under the counter and took out a small box out of which he took a small object. “If you just buy this one-of-a-kind Magical Ruby witch-Repelling Bling Ring for Lulu she won’t have to worry.”
The wizard held out a cheap ring with a giant plastic ruby-colored sparkly “stone.” It looked to Lulu like something one would buy from one of those machines you put a quarter in. It didn’t appear to be an object that could have any kind of magical power, and especially not enough to keep away a wicked witch.
“If the witch does take her to West Texas,” the Marginal Wizard explained, “all she’ll have to do is turn the ring three times and say: ‘There's no place to phone home,’ and she’ll be back in a flash.”
“It’s a little garish and possibly even tacky, don’t you think?” Jake asked the Marginal Wizard giving the thing a skeptical look. Jake considered himself an expert in style and this looked positively gauche. He also had to wonder how the wizard obtained it and what it had to do with his former employment. He was pretty sure he didn't want that question answered. The term “plausible deniability” came to mind.
“If it weren’t tacky it wouldn’t work,” the wizard told them, seeming to read Jake’s skeptical look. “The Wicked Witch of West Texas is extremely aesthetically vulnerable.[31]It is, in fact, her only real weakness. Merely showing her the ring should be enough to weaken all of her magical abilities, which will really repel her. But the real kicker is the escape charm.”
Lulu thought about the bezoar and wasn’t so sure about this statement regarding the witch and aesthetics. A big hairball coughed up by a dead and alive cat didn’t sound like something very aesthetically appealing, or attractive even, but what Lulu didn’t know was that historically bezoars were sometimes bejeweled and often mineral concretions rather than just hairballs. Queen Elizabeth was even said to have a highly prized bezoar ring. Lulu might also consider pearls, which are a sort of bezoar, but that is a pointless distraction from the story, which is supposed to be scary, cautionary and delightful, depending upon the predisposition of the reader.
Maybe what is beautiful is highly subjective, or varies from person to person, Lulu thought, yet there has to be some objective way to judge beauty. She decided she was going to have to do some reading on the subject when she got home, along with bezoars, and, she reminded herself, poison, and also hair removal cream. Several other subjects suggested themselves, as well. Still, the ring wasn't what she would have expected.
Lulu also thought that perhaps the wizard was just making up a tall tale to sell a worthless piece of junk to her dad, who was, in his desperation, willing to try anything. That would be a good example of what Jake liked to call “initiative.” “Initiative is the mother of invention,” was his favorite saying, which he usually spouted when someone complained of being sold some useless piece of junk. It didn’t really matter, though, Lulu thought. If she was as powerful as everyone said, surely a plastic ring wasn't going to stop her. But then again, there weren't a lot of options available in the Walla Walla area for combating wicked witches and the more Lulu thought about it, the more questionable the endeavor seemed. Lulu pondered the possibility of fate and not for the last time.
“How much is it?” Jake asked, glaring at the plastic ring.
“It’s $3.95, but if you promise me that Lulu will come be my apprentice as soon as she turns eighteen, I’ll let you have it for 3 even.”[32]
“Listen, you Marginal menace: If you ever mention Lulu again in a sentence with the word apprentice, or pretty much any other words, I’m going to give you a taste of my special US government accounting training. You wouldn’t want that, now would you?” Jake stared poisoned daggers at the wizard. (Lulu actually pictured little knives coming out of his eyes and going into the wizard. They were dripping with poison. Her x-ray vision could see something, though, inside of the wizard that seemed to be absorbing them, allowing the wizard to continue to live.)[33]
The Marginal Wizard was also imagining. He pictured reams of paperwork and mind-melting bureaucracy and he was afraid. The witch hadn't mentioned anything about accounting when she'd offered him a way out of his mess.
Lulu saw him turn as pale as cottage cheese left out in the sun in the middle of July, and begin to shiver as if he'd been left out in a snow drift in January. She pictured flies landing on him in the sun, and then freezing from the cold. It was an interesting thing to see. He had olives for eyes in the cottage cheese. He whined a weak little whine. He was either a better actor than Jake, who still might have arranged this whole thing, having paid the fudge shop guy in advance for his participation, or he was really very scared of accounting. She knew accounting was probably boring, but what she didn't know was that the wizard suffered from four distinct phobias: arithmophobia, triskaidekapphobia, tetraphobia and hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia.[34]If she'd mentioned her dog, Bob, he'd probably have passed out before the next, and most terrifying revelation, because he also suffered from aibohphobia.[35]
The wizard, for his part, really just wanted them to go away. He wanted to be left in peace to nibble fudge and dabble in aura cleansing and chakra balancing. He wanted to play with his purloined potions. He wanted, most of all, to be finished with this business and back on the witch's good side. For a moment he even wondered if, perhaps, he hadn’t gotten in a little over his head by practicing things for which he hadn’t a license. And this mention of accounting was more than disconcerting.
“Please, sir, just take the ring as a token of my friendship.” So Jake plunked down the $3.95 and the wizard handed the ring to Lulu. He didn’t really want the Wizard as a friend, so he thought it best to pay, even though he usually regarded paying for stuff he could otherwise get for free as a shameful failure of initiative.
“The Wicked Witch of West Texas is my sister,” Jake said to the wizard as he picked up the ring. The wizard's eyes went wild with terror and he started to make a weird gurgling sound in his throat. His color went from aubergine to incarnadine. Then he just sort of crumpled onto the floor behind the fudge counter. His color changes were chameleonic and fascinating.
“That was mean,” Lulu said to her dad as she watched the Wizard writhe. The reactions people had when hearing about this witch were dramatic and more than a bit intriguing.
“How would I know he'd have a panic attack?” Jake turned and left the shop with Lulu and Reggie following close behind.
“What about me?” Reggie asked. “The witch is after me, too. Don’t I get anything?”
“She swore a while back she’d get my first born. It’s a common wicked tradition. They always take the first born, so as long as she can’t get Lulu she’ll leave you alone,” Jake explained. Reggie still didn’t think it was fair, nor was he really convinced by this line of reasoning.
Lulu, for one, hoped Jake was wrong and she’d become an only child. If the witch decided, for instance, that she wanted Jake’s first born son, for which there was also wicked precedent, or previous example, she’d get her fondest wish and be rid of that nuisance they called a brother. The monkey prospect still intrigued her, though, and she thought it would actually be preferable to being rid of him. His becoming useful would be a miraculous transformation andthatseemed like an excellent use of magic.
Reggie crossed his arms and stamped his foot. “But maybe if she can’t get Lulu, she’ll just decide to take me instead,” He argued. Lulu smiled, but said nothing.
“Well, the Marginal Wizard only had one Magical Ruby witch-Repelling Bling Ring,” Jake pointed out as they were returning to the car. “And Lulu was the one who was specifically threatened, but we can go back in and see if he has any more rings that might help you.”
“I don’t want that kind of magical object.” Reggie pictured how he’d get teased if he showed up at school wearing that ridiculous ring. “I was thinking a magical BB gun.”
“You'd put your eye out,” Jake said, laughing.
Reggie wasn’t sure what was so funny, but he wouldn’t mind wearing an eye patch sometimes, so he could look like a pirate. Or maybe they'd get him a glass eye. He’d heard about a guy who could take out his glass eye and show it to people. He could just imagine how that would gross out girls.
Frankly, Reggie couldn’t imagine why a witch would want Lulu. She complained about everything. He was pretty sure the witch would like him better. He could handle all of the eyes of newt and wing of bat and stuff, if Lulu was right about that (which he doubted). Sometimes she wasright about things, since all she ever did was stick her nose in a book, but he wasn't going to admit that.
They were driving away from Calamity Flats when the sky cleared and it was daylight again.
“I guess the wizard sorted out his problem,” Jake remarked. Jake suspected the wizard was violating some rule or other with the potion, but he wasn't sure whom one would report it to, other than the one person he least wanted to speak to, and besides, the wizard had tried to help. Just then an idea occurred to Jake.
“I know what you could wear to help you avoid the witch.” He pulled the car over and rifled through the glove compartment for a minute before finding what he was looking for: a bright green plastic WWJD bracelet. He handed it to Reggie, who put it on, vowing to lose it as soon as possible.
“Thanks,” Reggie said to his dad, as that was undoubtedly what Jake would say Jake would do and he didn’t really want to get a lecture on that subject all the way home.
“Now you'll be perfectly safe, since I would always avoid the witch as I have for years now.”
Reggie stared at trees and wished he'd not pressed the matter.
There was another obvious reason (besides not wanting to scare Lulu and Reggie) nobody had discussed the witch with them. The Wicked Witch of West Texas, who had once been a Western Washington-based wickidity bigwig, had moved to West Texas far away from Walla Walla, a place formerly so nice they had to name it twice. (A distinction it shares with New York, New York and Bora Bora.)
Lulu’s parents simply thought the witch had become as uninterested in them, as they were in her. In short, they had put her existence out of their minds and gone on with normal everyday life. What they conveniently neglected to think about was that when the witch fled, she left behind a reminderof her vocal and adamant promise to return.
You see, as a result of an unfortunate hex the Wicked Witch of West Texas had left behind, people in public places in Walla Walla were occasionally struck near-speechless, and could say only ‘Walla Walla,’ over and over to each other until the curse wore off. They’d be standing around having perfectly sensible conversations, when suddenly all of their words came out as “Walla Walla.”
In fact, just a week or so before the horrible phone call, Lulu and Reggie were walking downtown when they suddenly came across a group of people just standing around saying it: “Walla Walla, Walla Walla, Walla Walla,” over and over to one another, looking terribly befuddled. They’d been discussing important things like the weather, the economic impact of the price of tea in China and the relative virtues of paper towel brands, so you can imagine their surprise when their well-considered words began to come out as: “Walla Walla.”
Lulu and Reggie just looked at each other and shrugged. Since the curse wasn’t affecting them, and it was a commonplace occurrence, they weren’t concerned. Of course, after meeting the Wicked Witch of West Texas Lulu and perhaps Reggie would know the truth, which they wouldn’t dare reveal, not wanting their friends and neighbors to know they were related to a notorious witch. Well, that, and the fact that nobody would believe them.
That the witch left behind the Walla Walla curse when she relocated to West Texas should have told Lulu's family she meant to do further mischief, as should have her final words to them: "I'll be back."
Although Lulu’s family knew what the curse was, the regular citizens of Walla Walla had no idea of its origins. In fact, people tried for years to figure out what this freakish anomaly could be-- with no success. One thing nobody ever thought to do was to ask Lulu's family about these weird scenes, mainly because they seemed to be a perfectly normal Walla Walla family like any other. This, after years of cutting her horrid silhouette from the family photos and vowing never to mention her ever, ever again.
Newscasters cast about for explanations for the weird phenomenon, but found none. For a while they reported the incidents on the evening news and in the paper, but as time went by and the Walla Walla scenes[36]continued to occur, people decided they weren’t really news anymore because to be news, something has to be new, and after a while they just weren't.
Scientists were, for a brief time, dispatched to study the phenomenon, but every time they showed up at the site of one of the Walla Walla scenes the curse lifted, leaving them at a loss. The scientists themselves were never afflicted because they had no explanation for the occurrences. Other people sawthe scientists in public acting as if the curse had befallen them, but they insisted those instances were simply something called a “control.” People surmised that what the scientists felt they couldn’t control, they also could not allow to exist. Eventually all mention of these “control” situations also ceased to exist.
The scientists concluded that the effect was psychosomatic, or, all in the imaginations of the afflicted, which Walla Wallans didn’t appreciate. If there’s one thing Walla Wallans don’t like, it’s a bunch of strangers showing up and telling them they’re suffering a mass hysteria, or a collective delusion, for that matter. Or that they’re just insane.
The army of psychiatrists who arrived found themselves falling victim to the Walla Walla curse and fled to safer places, like Cucamonga and Timbuktu and even way down to Kokomo. The Walla Wallans felt vindicated and were overcome with a German affliction called ‘schadenfruede.’ That really just means being happy when something bad happens to someone else, so maybe it’s not just German. In fact, Lulu had an attack of it every time Reggie got in trouble and vice versa.
Nevertheless, with the wicked witch far away in West Texas, everyone in Lulu’s family had nearly forgotten her, except for the moments when the curse fell on people. Lulu didn't really care about the curse, herself, since she'd seen it in action all her life and it seemed normal.[37]She could hardly imagine what it was like to live in a town without any type of cursedness, or magical mystery, which she imagined to be kind of boring.
[27]The Cokin is the part of the brain that is responsible for dreams, imaginings and weirdness.
[28]A sign of future events. Jake's interpretation should be taken with a grain of imitation salt.
[29]PSA: Balloons are one of the most dangerous things for children to play with, specifically because the Heimlich Maneuver cannot dislodge them from the windpipe.
[30]This was later dubbed The Reggie Effect. It is now an accepted principle that being around an annoying person like Reggie can lead a person to embrace weird practices out of desperation.
[31]The witch is a connoisseur of art and design. Connoisseur is a word originally from French that means: a person who is an expert in matters of taste.
[32]The Marginal Wizard was clearly giving them the fairy tale treatment.
[33]It should be noted that visualization can be a very useful skill. Lulu was doing well to practice it regularly. It's particularly useful when crossed with multi-dimensionality.
[34]Fear of numbers, fear of the number thirteen, fear of the number four, and fear of the number six hundred sixty six. (Don't be fooled by the fact that the last one sounds like fear of hexes. Although he has a phobia of those too.)
[35]Fear of palindromes, or words that are spelled the same way forward and backward. Aibohphobia is, itself, a palindrome.
[36]When people are seen in the background in a movie and appear to be talking they just say Walla Walla to each other, thus these scenes are termed “Walla Walla scenes.” The wicked witch origin of this custom is lost on the movie industry. Either that or the Wicked Witch of West Texas has shadowy connections within the movie industrial complex that are so far unknown.
[37]The family explained the curse to the kids as being a side-effect of Jake's lucky sock production, and as such a thing they had to keep hush-hush.
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