Chapter 6: Double agent Bo0b (Bob)

Bob emerged from under Lulu’s bed, wagging his little stub tail. Lulu wondered for a second what he’d been doing, but when he turned and pulled his leash out from under there, she figured he had merely been looking for it so he could remind her about the walk.

Lulu was out walking in the field with Bob, when all the sudden she heard a screeching cackle and a familiar voice: “I’ll get you, my pretty, and take you and your little dog back to West Texas.” Lulu looked around but there was nobody nearby. Then, red door appeared with a crystal doorknob. Lulu nearly fell backward as the door swung open and through it, from the blackness beyond, stepped a being Lulu could only surmise to be the witch.

The witch was dressed in atrous hue, which Lulu had expected. But she didn’t expect her to be wearing a sparkling gown of piceous-coloured sequins and burgundy fur. The sequins felt more like a million dark eyes--looking, seeing, shining, each with its own light. She wore a black flower on her dress and her lips were very red. She wasn’t as ugly as Lulu had expected, either. Rather, she was weirdly attractive. Her strangest feature, by far though, was the mass of red and white striped snakes[44]that writhed on her head in place of hair, making a hissing sound and darting tiny black tongues out of their mouths to sniff the air. They all turned to look at Lulu and Reggie as they squirmed against one another. Their scales glinted in the sun as did their many, many eyes. She wondered if the snakes were poisonous, and what would happen if she or Reggie got bitten. If Reggie were taller, she might be able to give him a shove and find out. For the first time she considered his altitudinal disadvantage to be a disappointment.

The witch arched one eyebrow giving Lulu a nasty look. Her eyes were a mean shade of green and they sparkled with malice.[45]Lulu couldn’t take her eyes off of her evil aunt, so horrific, yet glamorous was she.

“I see you like my new hair charm. I think it's quite lovely, and I figured out how to get rid of that nasty side-effect.[46]I can do your hair too, if you like.”

Lulu had no idea what to say to this offer. Having her head covered with slithering snakes wasn't something she wanted to imagine, but she did a little anyway, and it was definitely unpleasant. It felt, in her imagining, well, just like having her head covered with slithering and thrashing snakes. She did imagine the horror she would cause when going about in public, but it wasn't really worth it. Although, imagining having people run away screaming at the very sight of her did make her smile a little. Wallans would surely find the look satisfyingly outré.

“Who are you?” Reggie asked.

“You must be Reggie,” the witch said in her vinegary voice, while looking at him like she might just eat him alive. Lulu pictured the witch pulling off Reggie's arm and starting to gnaw on it. He was really dirty, too, which made the thought a lot grosser. There was also the snot. She pictured him as a monkey to replace that gross thought. “If you can't think anything nice, then don't think anything at all,” was what Anne always said. Thus the monkey-imagining.

The Wicked Witch of West Texas studied Lulu, one evil eyebrow arched, smiling a crooked smile. Lulu had the unsettling impression that the witch knew what she was thinking.

“I’ve been watching Lulu in my crystal ball, and imagine my surprise when I saw what that mangy mutt just hid under her bed.” The wicked witch glared at Lulu.

“He didn’t hide anything. He was looking for his leash,” Lulu shot back.

“You’d love for me to believe that, I’m sure.” With this declaration the witch waved the red and white striped wand, which she had retrieved from her handbag. Bubbles the color of ravens’ feathers came out of the end. Then something appeared in the witch’s outstretched hand. The snakes, curious, stretched toward the object.

Lulu took a step closer, as did Reggie, in order to see what the blackish thing was. It was about the size of a goose egg that looked rather like a dark, mottled rock.

“What’s that?” As soon as she asked, she realized the thing must be the bezoar,[47]which the witch prized plenty.

“This bezoar is the very one barfed up by Schrödinger’s cat when he was both alive and dead in a thought experiment. It’s a one-of-a-kind bezoar that has total poison protection powers thus making it hideously chic. It was stolen from me years ago, and now it’s turned up in your house. A house owned by my dear brother, Jake, whom I suspected stole it. Now, I don’t just suspect, I know. The bezoar is one of my most prized possessions, having once been the puke of my favorite pet.”

“But you poisoned Jake, and nearly killed him. So he couldn’t have had your stupid bezoar,” Reggie said.

“Obviously, he had hidden it at a remote location. Now that he felt the coast was clear, he dispatched this,” she pointed her wand at Bob, the snakes hissing in agreement, “rat thing, to retrieve it.”

“He’s a Rat Terrier, not a ‘rat thing,’” Lulu corrected her. Bob growled and his hackles stood up like they did when the mailman came. He also wagged, like when he was growling to get one's attention when food was present.

“That’s fine, as long as it can learn to make tacos. That’s all the three of you are going to be doing in Texas from now on.”

“You can’t keep me because I’ll use my Ruby Bling Ring.” Lulu replied, holding up her hand to show the witch.

“Waaa Haaaa Haaaaa Haaaaa. What a lovely Bling Ring.” she said in an ironic Texas accent. The snakes wiggled wildly, excited by the witch's cackle. The witch waved her wand and the ring disappeared from Lulu's finger. She stared at her hand where it had been.

“Looks like you two are in deep trouble.”

Lulu realized the witch had a very good point, which was a very bad thing. The witch held up her non-wand hand to reveal a beautiful ring the size and shape of the bling ring, but no longer plastic and tacky.

“I’ve been watching you in my crystal ball, waiting for this opportunity. Now I've found you two and retrieved both my stolen ring and my stolen bezoar. Three birds in the hand with one stone.”

“Jake didn’t steal the stupid bezoar,” Reggie said. “Bob probably found it in one of his tunnels and went to hide it in Lulu’s room. Or maybe Lulu did it.”

“Well, Reggie, quite the little agent provocateur, aren't you?” the witch commented.

“He’s just a trouble-maker,” Lulu corrected.

“That’s what agent provocateur means,” the witch informed her.

“Why didn’t you just say trouble-maker then?”

“Because it’s more wicked to obfuscate,” the witch answered. "and it's even better when you can do it in French.[48]Unless you're French, of course.

“What does obfuscate mean?” Lulu asked.

“To create confusion,” the witch answered.

“Why didn’t you just say that?” Lulu asked.

The witch just raised one eyebrow and scowled at her. Of course she knew the answer, but was just trying to annoy the witch by using a technique that worked well with her mom and dad: asking excessive questions. (She didn't know that besides being annoyed because of her general foul mood, the witch was secretly a bit pleased to find Lulu so bratty.)

“Don’t you have a dictionary?” the witch asked. “When you come across a word you don’t understand, you’re supposed to look it up and then find a more confusing synonym.” The snakes were making Lulu feel a little dizzy and she wished they could be made to hold still.

“Oh, sorry, witch,” she answered in her haughtiest tone. “I guess I forgot to bring a dictionary when I came outside to walk my dog. Silly me. I have one at home, though, and I even tried looking up ‘bezoar’ but it wasn’t there, so I’m not sure I even believe in it. It's probably just something you made up as some kind of wicked witch joke, which isn't even funny.”

“This bezoar is a very powerful magical object and it certainly is no joke,” the witch began. “Not that I really need magical objects, but this was a particularly important part of my collection.”

“I don't believe that thing is a magical object at all. And how could a non-existent cat barf up anything? It's all just some stupid story you made up, you horrible old crow.” Lulu folded her arms in front of her and stared as meanly as she could at the witch. “I hate those snakes on your head and your outfit looks stupid.[49]”

“There's a lot you don't understand, Lulu. For one thing, the cat was Schrodinger’s[50]and once someone had imagined the cat, and had created the time-travel scenario for the cat, the cat existed as a thought form. All I had to do was use a little magic to make it take physical form. When it did, it arrived with this hairball just vomited up. And the snakes are the height of wicked witch fashion of which I am the most prominent practitioner.”

“That doesn't make any sense at all. You're obviously crazy and I also don't believe you have any real magical powers.”

“Oh, no?” The witch smiled a tight mean smile, and the snakes went wild, snapping at each other, and hissing.

“No.”

Just then a man came into view, walking across the field toward them. As he got closer, Lulu realized it was Mr. Martin who lived next door. He was a nice old man who sometimes gave Lulu and Reggie candy bars.

“We'll see about that.” The Wicked Witch of West Texas raised her wand over her head, and before Lulu could even object, a jolt of blue electricity shot from the tip of the wand and hit Mr. Martin who was instantly transformed into a large, white, slimy thing that started to writhe in the grass. The snakes moved to look down at it. It was downright weird how the hundreds of eyes followed the witch’s gaze, the striped bodies twisting in unison. One snake, Lulu noticed, didn’t act in unison with the other snakes, but continued to look at her and then it stretched itself forward above the witch’s forehead and looked down, right at the witch's face. Then the rest of the snakes began again their random writhing.

“What happened?” Reggie asked, looking around for Mr. Martin.

“I gave you a little dwimmer craft demonstration, my bratty relation.”

“But, what about Mr. Martin? Where is he?” Reggie asked.

“He's right in front of you, only now he's a sea slug, and he only has a couple of minutes to live at most since this isn't exactly his native habitat. I rather expected that he'd explode instantly, but that's the upside of these sorts of experiments. One learns all sorts of interesting things.”

“Why would you do that? Change him back now.”

“Why would I do that? You do know my official title, right?”

“Please,” Lulu begged. “I take back what I said. Just turn him back.”

Lulu felt a lump in her throat and her eyes were starting to water. She'd done this to poor Mr. Martin with her witch-taunting. She should have been more careful.

“You still haven't told me why I should.” The witch reached up to stroke her snakes and they wound themselves around her fingers.

“We did find your bezoar for you,” Reggie broke in, and for once Lulu was glad, as she’d not had the presence of mind to form the argument.

“Yes, please as a reward for finding your lost bezoar,” Lulu was desperate now, as the poor sea slug, er, Mr. Martin, would soon expire.

“You did, but it was your dad who stole it, so I hardly see why you deserve to be rewarded for that.”

“We didn't know our dad stole it, and if it weren't for us it would still be missing. What if we find something else of yours? You'll want us to return it,” Lulu argued.

“Hmm.” The witch appeared to mull Lulu's arguments and even the snakes completely stopped moving and stared. “Okay, but let this be a lesson. You will be tolerated only if you continue to be useful.” The witch waved her wand and the slug turned back into Mr. Martin, slightly horrified, and looking very much like a hyperventilating beet with googly eyes. He stared at the witch for a moment before he turned and made toward his house. The snakes all bent around to watch him go while the witch continued to watch Lulu.

“I think we should really go home now. Our mom wanted us to come in and she'll be really mad if we don't get right back.” Lulu turned and tugged at Bob's leash. “Come on, Reggie.” Lulu grabbed Reggie’s arm, noting that he still had that blob of snot and dirt beneath his nose. He was so gross. She pictured a monkey.

“Not so fast, brats. You're not going anywhere. This is a kidnapping.”

“Look,” cried Lulu, pointing skyward “a UFO.” The witch and snakes just stared at her. Lulu hadn’t really thought it would work, but she was trying another annoying tactic. It was one that she successfully used on Reggie sometimes, since he was gullible and usually did look; even when the thing suggested was very unlikely. Lulu noticed even as the witch scowled, Reggie was surreptitiously scanning the sky.

“There’s no such thing as a UFO, you nasty little creature,” the witch answered.

Lulu was tempted to point out that the same had been said about wicked witches.

“Now prepare to go to West Texas.”

The witch waved her magic wand and Lulu, Reggie and Bob floated upward about a foot off the ground. Lulu tried to move but her feet kicked against air. Her fireflies were blazing now and her insides gyred. Then the wand emitted a 'pop' as there snaked a glow like a rope made of light from the tip. The neonish cord wrapped around the three so tightly they could barely move, securing them together. “And don’t even think about bathroom stops,” the witch warned, which made Lulu suddenly feel like she kinda needed to pee. She hoped she could hold it all the way to Texas. Presumably it was quite a trip.

The red door reappeared and the witch opened it. The bundle of Lulu, Reggie and Bob, who was pressed against Lulu's leg, floated through it and into a dark space filled with stars. Lulu, in the darkness, saw the witch framed in the light on the Walla side of the door before she stepped through and everything began to spin.

[44]The witch’s prismatic-dimensional vision of space/time became permanent after the application of this hairdo, particularly after the snakes were released into the wilds.

[45]Lulu's belief that it was malice there has not been confirmed.

[46]The side-effect was inconvenient in one sense, but had the benefit of adding some awful statuary to the witch's collection, which can be recycled for baking sweets.

[47]A girl in England died in 1999 after doctors removed a bezoar the size of a football from her stomach, which was the result of her chewing on her hair. Obsessive hair-chewing is sometimes called Rapunzel syndrome, which is a handy reminder that if imprisoned in a tower by a witch, one should not chew her hair.

[48]There is actually a point system for obfuscutory practrices. Purely made-up words, obscure words, those in languages other than the primary language of the main audience, codes, nonsense, and many other categories exist. A perfect score would involve a purely clarion expression rendered entirely turbid for the intended reader. Addressing a Japanese-speaking audience in Navajo would be a consummate example, while adding metaphor would heighten the effect.

[49]Lulu was remembering the story of Laurie, so her taunts are rather inexplicable.

[50]Schrödinger’s cat is only a thought experiment, conceived of by physicist Erwin Schrödinger with his friend, Albert Einstein. Nobody knows how this thought-cat ended up in the witch’s home or how it coughed up a hairball. The fact is it’s incomprehensible, and based in some very complex magic.