They were walking in what Lulu was sure was the general direction of the distant wall when she heard an eerie tune being whistled, seemingly carried by the wind.
“Excuse me, miss,” a man’s voice said behind her. She spun around to find two people gazing curiously at her and her obliviated brother. “I’m Special Agent Sculder and this is my partner, Special Agent Mulley.” He pointed to the red-haired woman at his side.
“Sounds like your problem to me. Beat it,” Lulu declared. She was getting concerned about the passing Not-Cupcakes, and didn't have time to waste on these two.
“We’re looking into reports of some strange phenomenon in this area, possibly involving witchcraft and extra-terrestrial activities,” Sculder continued, paying Lulu’s bratty reply no mind. “If we can figure out where we are, that is.”
Lulu just stared at them for a moment, not knowing what to make of this development. She didn’t like the look of Sculder, who was looking at her as sneakily as a fox. Mulley was staring piercingly, too.
“You haven’t seen anything unusual in the area, have you?” Mulley asked.
“Well, I…” Lulu hesitated. “I was abducted by the Wicked Witch of West Texas and taken to a weird haunted place, but I escaped through a magic painting to this alternate universe, and right now I’m possibly being followed by an invisible coyote.”
“Abducted? How?” Sculder looked excited and Mulley, well, she just looked irked. “I told you we were in an alternate universe, Mulley. This is the best Z File ever.”
“Sculder, don’t go getting all excited. There’s no wicked witch here, just some very good candidates for group therapy. She has an imaginary coyote following her, for Pete’s sake.”
“There is a witch. And she’s my aunt, and the coyote is invisible, not imaginary. There's a difference,” Lulu replied.
“Tell us about these abductions,” Sculder answered. Mulley just rolled her eyes, as Sculder pulled out a recorder. Lulu began to briefly recount the tales chronicled here, and Sculder grew more gleeful by the second. Lulu hoped the chatty coyote would speak up, but for some reason he’d decided to clam up.
“So, you’re saying alien visitations are connected with the witch? This is fantastic.”
“Sculder, she’s telling you tall tales. The Wicked Witch of West Texas is clearly a local legend fueled by mistrust of people from other places, which naturally includes Texans who are outsiders here, wherever this is. Add to that some familial dysfunction and you set the stage for all kinds of ridiculous beliefs. The alien part is, no doubt, due to popular culture. Television shows fuel societal fears of aliens, offering a fantastic target for the more mundane fear of people from other countries which is obviously metastasizing with the local legend, causing delusional fantasy among the more bratty inhabitants,” Mulley replied. “There is no such thing as the Wicked Witch of West Texas. Think about it. If you could do magic why would you live in Texas? Why not the Bahamas? And why would aliens want to help operate a taco conglomerate? It’s illogical.”
“She lives in Texas because she can make wormholes into alternate universes, and nobody in Texas is likely to notice,” Lulu explained. “Think about it. Does this look like Texas to you? There's no litter.”
“Exactly,” Sculder exclaimed. "It makes perfect sense." Mulley looked at him like he was a lunatic.
“I can’t believe you’re buying this,” Mulley replied. “And what about the boy? What’s wrong with him?”
“He’s obliviated,” said Lulu. “I had to do it because he wasn’t going to help on our quest and if we fail we’re going to be magically transformed into pillars of sugar. Plus, he’s been having these fits after falling into the Pool of Serenity and swallowing some kind of electric eel.”
“I see. It sounds like over-medication to me.” Mulley pulled a small flashlight from her pocket, shined it in each of Reggie’s eyes.
“Watch this,” said Lulu. “Put down the crown.” Reggie did. “Pretend to be a pig.”
Reggie got down on all fours and began to snort.
“Okay, enough of that,” Mulley said, and Reggie got back up. “Clearly he’s been given some kind of drug.
“I for one would like to see this Pool of Serenity she mentioned and have some tests run on it, along with the eels she says he swallowed one of.” Sculder said, causing Mulley to look perturbed.
“Sculder, really.”
Just then a loud pop split the bright air and in a ball of light she began to materialize. The Wicked Witch of West Texas, that is. Her head was now covered with a profusion of squirming vines, from which sprouted black flowers like the one the witch had called “flower of evil.”
“Who dares to call me during my soiree?” the witch demanded angrily. Sculder and Mulley just gaped. “I was having a Dionysian Psychadelic Lemonade Bruncheon with Elvis." The vines on the witch's head twisted around one another as the witch spoke.
“Nobody called you,” Lulu replied. "so you can just dematerialize back to wherever it is you go."
Sculder and Mulley were aghast at the ghastly sight. Lulu pictured small flying insects zooming into their gaping mouths.
“I heard you talking about me. You interrupted my date with the King, so it had better be good. I'm all done up with flower of evil vines for hair, and my best Jackalope fur cape, so start explaining.” It really was lustrous fur.
“The FBI is onto you, you mean old witch,” Lulu retorted. “And Elvis is dead.”
“Rumors of his death have been greatly exaggerated. He's alive and well here in Sugarland. There's always been a corridor between Sugarland and Graceland. The only time he returns to the ordinary universe is for barbeque and his performances, which have taken an ironic turn.”
“Did you hear me? The FBI knows about you.”
“Well, not for long,” the witch replied, taking her wand from her sleeve.
“Excuse me, Ms. Witch, but I would appreciate it if you would answer a few questions,” Sculder began.
“We’ll see how being brain-blasted by aliens effects your curiosity,” the witch said in her meanest sour-apple voice. With that, her wand, held aloft, began to glow like a beacon and within a few seconds the mother ship appeared above them. It looked like the same one Lulu had seen on their way to Texas, all silvery and covered with lights.
“So, it’s true. You are connected with the aliens,” Sculder commented.
“You’re a quick study,” the witch answered, just as the beam shot from the craft and began to lift the agents toward the opening in its underside.
"This is great," Sculder exclaimed.
"We're being abducted, Sculder." Mulley objected. "We're going to be brain-blasted."
"Haven't you heard of ‘takin' one for the team?’ Now we'll know."
"They'll just obliterate our memory of the event like they did last time," Mulley reminded him.
"I forgot about that," Sculder said dejectedly as they continued their ascent.
“See you two later,” Lulu called, waving at the agents. "Or not."
“Now, get busy brats. And don't interrupt me again.” The witch looked peeved. “Not until you've finished your task.”
“Hey, you wicked woman,” a voice sounded from in the witch's handbag. She pulled out a small crystal ball and in it Lulu could see someone who bore a distinct resemblance to Elvis, young Elvis, like in the movies.
“I'm on my way. It was just some FBI agents who are having a lovely spa vacation with the grays right about now.” With that she waved her wand and disappeared.
Lulu realized that they had wasted yet another Not-Cupcake goofing around with the stupid FBI agents and to make matters worse there seemed to be fewer Not-Cupcakes total represented on the face of the watch than there were last time she checked, giving them only two to go before they met an un-sweet, sugary fate.
“Come on Reggie, let's get to the wall now.” It occurred to Lulu that the coyote seemed to have genuinely disappeared, which was fine with her.
As they crested a small knoll, a building came into view that Lulu hadn’t seen before and since it wasn’t far away Lulu decided to check it out. The building was brick and had four tall columns framing the front door. She made for it as quickly as she could.
What are you?" Lulu asked the weirdo standing in front of the building which signage declared to be a library.
"I am what I am," it answered, pushing thick glasses up higher on the bridge of its nose, "and by any name would smell the same. How do you know you really even exist?"
"Are you a Snipe?"
“It might be the Snipe you seek, but it will never admit it.” the deep coyote voice said from off to the left.
"I am different things in different places and different places are different times," the thing answered. "You may ask me any question, my dear. I will tell you anything you wish to know, for I live in the library and have read every book therein."
"Where do we find a Snipe?" Lulu asked, unsure she wanted to wait for any more answers from the weirdo.
"It would depend on the time at which one wanted to find said Snipe and whether or not there is a creature, the true essence of which, could be aptly described as ‘Snipe.’ For what does ‘Snipe’ really signify anyway?"
"Uh..."
“How would you describe this being that you seek?”
“I don’t know. I’ve never seen one.”
“That barely matters. What do you imagine it to be like?”
“I was hoping you could tell me something about it.”
“What possible meaning could my description of the Snipe have for one who has not, herself, any experience with the thing? For all you know, you could meet a Snipe on the road and not know it was the thing you sought.”
“Have you seen a Snipe? Yes, or no?”
“If we don’t know the nature of the thing, mightn’t we call any creature ‘Snipe’? Surely we must define what distinguishes it from all other creatures.”
“Okay, so how about if youtell mewhat distinguishes it?”
“That’s not the point. I might describe a thing that is other than that which you seek, but which I might call by the nomenclature that you use, for you cannot tell me any real quality, rather you have only a word, and that word could mean something to me other than that which it means to you. Indeed, we have not even established the existence of the thing. Do I make myself clear?”
“Hardly.”
"There’s nothing hard about it. Now, if we are to accept the existence of this creature, which we shall, for the sake of this argument, call ‘Snipe,’ then how will we decide which qualities are absolutely essential in order to define it's ‘Snipe-ness,’ if you will? Furthermore, if we are not positive that such a thing exists could not, then, any quality at all, like chocolatiness, or blandishments be considered attributes essential to ‘Snipe-ness?’ Perhaps it’s an aubergine animal, or a chlorocronous cat.”
“I would be happy to tell you about the Snipe once I've seen one,” Lulu said.
“What would be the exact context of the seeing of this creature whose existence you posit as a possible reality or at least conjectural form? Would one expect to encounter it under moonlight? Perhaps in perfect thunder? Or in one's mind?”
"Maybe we should just look in the library ourselves." Lulu stepped toward the door of the building, but the bespectacled weirdo held up his arm to bar her way.
"You must not go in there. It's a dangerous labyrinth and you will become hopelessly lost if you set foot inside to find the answers you seek and you'll have no way of knowing what is true and what is not, which is why I'm here."
"It says it's a library."
"Do you always believe what you’re told? Perhaps it’s the Salon Sanguinaria and you’re being lured inside to provide the ingredients for cocktails. Why the two of you contain quarts of juice and would provide two garnishes each.”
“I think it’s probably just a library.”
“All libraries are labyrinths. They're the most confusing places imaginable."
"Maybe I'll take my chances."
"Oh, no. I cannot allow that. It's far too dangerous. Just ask me whatever it is you need to know and I'll tell you the answers. It's way less confusing than getting lost in there. I never allow anyone in there except for myself. But it doesn't matter since I have all the answers."
Lulu was pretty sure she'd rather try to figure out what she needed to know herself than waste any more time on the nonsense the possible Snipe or not-Snipe offered.
"I think we'll just be on our way," she told the creature.
"But how ever shall you find your way at all if you don't let me tell you how to find what you seek? That is just too dangerous. You'd better stay right here and listen to me, my dear."[85]
"I guess I'll have take my chances trying to figure it out. Snipe."
"I never said I was called that," the creature objected as Lulu turned to walk away. She decided she was going to quit asking creatures in this weird place anything, since she hadn’t gotten one single real answer from any of them thus far.
They had gone only a short distance when Reggie, crown still in hand, fell to the ground in yet another fit. As he was twitching on the ground, a strange creature appeared from thin air. It was a horrible looking personage with the face of a horse on a haggard and twisted body that appeared to be covered with some kind of bright red bumps, like a rash. This rash covered all of its skin, but unlike any rash that Lulu had seen, these bumps oozed a slimy substance that appeared to contain glitter.[86]It was slick with the viscous, sparkling goo and Lulu stepped back in horror as the thing pounced on the prostrate Reggie where he still lay trembling and helpless. The hideous thing emitted a gaseous sound from its behind as puffs of glitter dust puffed from it. Glitter slime oozed down, spap-splap-splapping on the twitching form of her brother. The creature swiveled the lump that was its purpley sparkling head toward Lulu and there were eyes and a gaping mouth and something that only a weird imagination could morph to be a tongue or an independent animal, or both. It crouched atop Reggie, slathering him.
“Get away,” Lulu yelled. Its mouth opened wider and it vomited out more glitter-slime and then, just as it had appeared, it vanished.
“Get up, Reggie.” Reggie had stopped convulsing, but was covered with the disgusting substance. Lulu didn’t know what to do about it, though. All she could do was press on.
“Pick up the diadem. We have to go.”
He picked it up with sparkly hands, one finger still black, smearing the substance on the crown as he did. Lulu noticed as they walked on that he left a trail of the stuff behind him for a distance, until it dried and he began to develop bumps himself. She hoped that his appearance wasn’t going to make the mission a failure. One thing was for sure: she wasn’t going to touch Reggie.
The sky was darkening rapidly and at certain moments she could swear she caught a glimpse of a snake in her peripheral vision. The watch still said “Not-Cupcake”. Night was definitely falling on Sugarland and somehow seemed to emit smoke. She had to hurry.
As they descended a hill toward a glooming valley, Lulu saw that they were in what appeared to be a graveyard. She had seen no such thing from higher up and in better light, but there was no mistake. It was going to be quite dark in no time at all and she had no idea what they were going to do. She felt quite a lot worse when the spirits began to rise from the ground. People of all ages who just happened to be glowy and see-through gathered about. Many reached out to touch her which felt like a shiver deep inside her bones.
“The spirits won't hurt you,” a voice said from behind. She spun around to see Supergirl standing behind her. It was obvious whom she was as she had a scarlet 'S' on the front of her shirt in neon sparkle.
“What the heck?”
“I'm just you sent back from the future to tell you how to survive.”
“Who sent you?” Lulu asked.
“You did, or I did. My existence is dependent upon your survival, so I'm going to tell you the secret. Are you ready? And don't be thick right now. This is important.”
“So, I'm going to survive or you wouldn't be here.”
“Only if you listen, stupid.”
“But if I didn't you wouldn't be so it's already a fact that I've...”
“Don't get caught up in the paradoxes now, I have a message and I don't have long.”
There was a screech and Supergirl blurred and crackled electric.
“I can only do this briefly, so you have to listen. The spirits won't hurt you and you can survive the cobras, but only if you do as I say.”
“What do we do?”
“You have to put on the diadem. It's the only way for you to see your way through this dark and protect yourself from being trapped with the spirits.”
Lulu felt a hand on her arm and turned to see a ghostly figure clutching at her. It' appeared to be a girl about her age who looked almost exactly like her. Her hair was lighter, or curlier, and her eyes seemed to be blue instead of green. She felt ice start to spread up her arm.
“I can't put on the crown because if I do Kubla Khan won't be placated.”
“That was part of the test. It would have doomed you if you tried it on before sunset, but once the spirits rose, it became necessary. If I was unable to pop back here, you wouldn't know to put it on now, and then we'd be toast. This is the time-based portion of the test. I don't really have time to explain it all, though, so just do as I say.”
Supergirl crackled and went fuzzy again before clarifying again.
“Why should I believe you?”
“Because I'm you, so I obviously want you to survive as my own existence is frightfully dependent upon it and given what a numbskull you can be, I'm worried.”
“I don't know that you're me. I only have your word.”
“I know that it was you who found the bezoar and hid it. I also know that you are picturing Reggie being a monkey even as we speak. I know about the Komodo dragons, and the exploding girl memorial bridge. Think.”
Lulu did. This was a pretty convincing argument.
“Really, this is no time to over-analyze the issue.[87]You're really not smart enough to do anything but confuse yourself. Just put the crown on.”
“But if you're me, are we bi-locating? What should I call you? Can I call you?”
“You call me Lucinda, and I'm you, but only partly.” With that the image in front of Lulu blurred and fizzled from view, the last part visible for a second; the neon red “S.”
Lulu hesitated. Then the spirits began their assault. Grabbing, pawing. So cold. She was freezing and terror was turning her to stone. Their eyes, their glowing forms. She grabbed the crown from Reggie and hoped this was the right thing to do as she placed it on her head. The band formed to her skull, and, as if from inside her head a light appeared, illuminating the entire area in front of her and whichever way she looked. The spirits took notice and desisted their entreaties, still staring but no longer grabbing. Even the girl who was almost identical to Lulu.
Ahead of her, the sea of spirits parted. A dog trotted forward.
“The dog's name is Zora,” Supergirl said, beside her again. “She knows the way. There's one more thing: “Don't look behind the curtain.” She disappeared. Zora was white with black spots, but bigger than Bob.
The dog barked and ran a few feet forward, looking back at Lulu before barking again.
“She wants us to follow,” Lulu said to nobody in particular, since Reggie couldn't be considered an interlocutor.
“Indeed she does,” said a spirit beside her who was a man dressed in leather with an old aviator's hat on. “That's my plane over there.” He pointed at a plane with the name “Miss Veedol,” painted on the side. “I'm Clyde, how about a plane ride, miss?”
“I don't think I have time just now,” Lulu answered, but how was she to know if she was supposed to get on the plane?
Zora, the dog, barked again, returning to her to tug her pant leg. She was pretty clearly told to follow the dog, so, she decided that was probably what she should do.
“Perhaps next time, but thank you,” Lulu answered.
“Very well, I've hauntings to attend to, and I'm sure you'll be back. Remember to check the tortillas from time to time.” He turned and moved toward the plane and Lulu, Chupacabra repellent in hand, followed. The spirits, adults and children, young and old, watched her pass, but didn't reach out.
“This is the land of the spirits to which there's always an opening in Sugarland,” Lulu heard Supergirl by her right ear, where currently there was no actual person to make the sound. “It's a good place to visit for advice, but you don't have time for tea right now. If you stop to visit, you'll never get out of here in time. Look at the tree.”
Lulu looked around and saw, off to the left, a tree filled with what looked like flame, although the tree was not consumed. It was more like it was luminescing. She moved closer 'til she could see that it was a fruit tree. Fig. It was beautiful. Then she saw the snake in the branches. It was red and white, like one of the candy cane serpents from the witch's hair. It flickered its black tongue. Above the tree was a rainbow cast in the dark sky. Her eye was drawn back down to the tree, which was now made entirely of those striped snakes and they were all tongue flickering in the strange luminescence. She marveled at it for a moment before remembering that she was running short on time.
“Come on, Reggie.”
Reggie ambled along, not saying a word.
This version of Reggie was better than the original, but Supergirl was right, the monkey idea still weighed heavily on her mind. She had also heard that talking to one's self was a bad practice. Oh, well. Horses were leaving port and ships escaping barns.
Zora barked and ran ahead, the spirits parting for her.
“The spirit dog knows the way and she can protect you.” Supergirl was saying something else but her voice was fading to a whisper and Lulu couldn't make it out.
[85]Don’t listen to a Snipe. Anything it tells you will be like a parable told by a platypus, chock full of platitudes and pandering, while pertaining to practically zilch.
[86]Glime/slitter- another witch invention/portmantau combining the wonderful qualities of both glitter and slime.
[87]Just another of those nasty paradoxes, which somehow made sense.
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