Chapter 28: Epilogue
The witch turned to Mike and began to speak wistfully: “Now, even Xanadu time-travel is more exotic, leaving unprecedented lingering unstable wavelengths of nuclear transverse expansion. Schrödinger’s Cat arrived partially evanescent, shimmering, holographic. Even in Sugarland-- wandering in ceaseless kaleidoscopic exploration, decidedly clouded, yellowly blurred, illusive, lost.”
“That cat always has been a Negative Ned,” said Mike.
End, the Second
The monkey leapt from the drapes to the lamp, which toppled as the creature used its weight to spring toward the chandelier. Anne screeched. Jake screeched. Lulu wondered if was a good idea to picture them both as monkeys too. Or mention the possibility to the Wicked Witch of West Texas. Then she wondered when she might again see the witch. That part troubled her. She had so many questions.
“I think we should probably call the Wicked Witch of West Texas to see if she knows what's up with Reggie.”
“Who?” Jake asked without taking his eyes off the jumping, swinging target. Jake and Anne grabbed for the monkey at the same time and from opposite sides of the room smashing into each other and collapsing together on the floor even as the monkey landed on Jake's dazed head and stared at Lulu.
“The Wicked Witch of West Texas. She's clearly turned Reggie into a monkey.”
“What are you talking about, Lulu? Is this another one of your imaginary friend situations?” Jake looked annoyed. Anne still looked confused.
“I'll do it if you won't try to talk to her.” Lulu started for the phone.
“Just help us catch this monkey, Lulu. We'll deal with your bid for attention later.”
Lulu went to the kitchen and got a cookie out of the cookie jar. The monkey shaped cookie jar, which was odd because they'd always had a bear cookie jar. In fact, Reggie had been the one to pick it out which had angered Lulu greatly because she wanted the monkey.
She returned to the living room just as the monkey threw Jake's eight track tapes on the floor, which elicited another squeal from Jake. The monkey froze upon seeing what Lulu held and then it began to do tricks. It flipped and rolled on the floor and screeched and didn't take its eyes from the cookie.
Lulu walked to her room and the monkey followed, feet after hands. The monkey was quick, but she knew Reggie and he'd not foresee a trick when there was a cookie on the line. She had to be fast, though, because she knew she'd have but one chance. She tossed the cookie and grabbed her wicker laundry basket. Jake and Anne both gasped as she slammed the laundry basket down over Reggie-monkey provoking the creature to a fit of screaming that was truly horrid.
Anne and Jake ran from the room and began to race about the house in a frenzy of phone calls and fighting about whom to call and about the monkey and also about Jake forgetting the milk.
The guy from the animal rescue facility had the animal in a large wire enclosure on the back of his truck and her parents were beginning to calm down when Lulu realized that she felt sorry for the stupid monkey. A little bit. It was clinging to the sides of the cage with its tiny hands, eyes wide with what looked like fear.
“Are you sure it's going to be okay?” she asked the khaki-clothed male person whose name tag proclaimed him Andy.
“He's going to love it. We have other monkeys for him to play with and they get great food and people come to see them every weekend. In fact, you and your family can come any time to see how he's doing.” The man produced three bits of paper from his pocket that, upon inspection, turned out to be admission tickets to the Funny Farm Animal Center.
“Surely, Lulu, you recognize that we can't possibly keep this wild monkey.” Anne put her arm around Lulu's shoulders and looked sympathetic like she did when she thought Lulu was going to cry, which she was not going to do. It was a huge disappointment in one way. Reggie did, as far as she could tell, get turned into a monkey, but the rest of her idea had involved her having him as a pet. It was, however, true that he was a good deal worse behaved than she had anticipated, which did sort of seem to confirm the truism that one should be careful what one wishes for, as it just might come true. She wasn't yet to the point of wishing Reggie back, though.
“Now, what are we going to do about Reggie?” Lulu asked as the monkey truck pulled away.
“Okay, Lulu. Who is Reggie? If you mean the monkey, that's no longer a topic of discussion and we were clear that you were not to name him.”
“Have you two lost your minds or have you just not noticed that Reggie is missing?”
Anne and Jake exchanged a look which Lulu knew to mean that they were thinking she was being a stupid kid and they had to be patient with her stupid kid nonsense. It made her mad. Then she it occurred to her that they were acting and that Reggie was in on it. He was in his closet, no doubt, snickering and waiting to spring out and “surprise” Lulu, which he wasn't going to do because she now had the whole thing figured out--including the ruse with the monkey. Pretty clever for Jake, but she wasn't falling for it. She ran in the house and straight to Reggie's room where she found... A desk with a computer on it. A couch. Reggie's bed and his stuff was all missing.
Lulu turned to see her parents looking puzzled.
“Where's Reggie's stuff?”
“Lulu. This is getting a little strange. You need to get your imaginary friend problem sorted out or we're going to start screening your television choices rather more carefully.” Lulu was on thin ice. If this was a joke, it was probably about time to go along with the whole thing regardless of absurdity.
“I still think we should call the witch,” Lulu said.
“You know there is no such thing as a witch, Lulu.” Anne looked perturbed.
End, the Third
The monkey was rampaging about the house and her parents were squealing.
“You'd better call the Funny Farm Animal Center,” Lulu said, as she entered the back door.
They both stopped and stared at her, suddenly oblivious to the monkey on the chandelier.
“Who are you?” Anne asked.
“Reggie, get out here,” Jake bellowed as both Jake and Anne dove at the monkey, crashing head-first into one another and landing in a heap.
Reggie did not answer, and Lulu had no reason to believe he would.
Lulu turned and walked out before searching the fanny pack that she now possessed. Luckily she had the crystal ball. It seemed she also still had the vial of blackish liquid. This day was getting complicated.
Lulu took out the crystal ball and said “Calling the Wicked Witch of West Texas. Come in Wicked Witch. This is Lulu calling.”
No sooner had she spoken than a luminescent cloud of sparkling red began coalesce in front of her. And inside of the crimson glimmer, the splendorous figure of the witch took shape. She was wearing the most fabulous red gown and her hair was done in bright golden snakes with sparkling green eyes. The effect was stunning.
“So, what are you going to do now?”
“I don't know. My parents don't know me and Reggie is a monkey.”
“So, opportunity just knocked down the door.” the witch raised her alabaster wand and waved it. A red door appeared from the incarnadine shimmer and the witch reached over and pushed it open. Beyond it was stars and darkness.
“Come on in, Lulu. It seems like Walla Walla is no longer the place for you to be.”
End, the Fourth
Lulu walked into the house.
“Hey. When's dinner,” she called out.
“Come in the kitchen Lulu,” Anne shouted from the next room.
Lulu stepped into the kitchen to see her mom and the witch, who was dressed all in various animal prints and red apron. The witch waved her wand and produced a sugar skull pyramid decorated with real diamonds and feathers. A holographic hummingbird hovered over it, chirping.
“What's going on?”
“Your aunt is making chile rellenos for the Halloween feast,” said Anne.
The sound of a laughing audience shattered Lulu's dumbfounded silence. Neither Anne, nor the witch seemed to notice.
“Why don't you place the centerpiece, Lulu,” the witch suggested, smiling a crooked smile and arching one eyebrow. “and then wash your hands. I'm about to put dinner on.”
Jake came into the kitchen and picked up a glass which looked to contain horchata. “Help your mom and aunt, Lulu. I'm starving.”
“But what about poison?”
“What about poison?” Jake asked. “This is no time for another of your whimsical delusions. It's Halloween.”
The laughter erupted again and still nobody seemed to notice, besides Lulu.
“Yes, Lulu, Cybil and Caleb will be here any second. They just sent me an etheric alert.” The witch smiled at Lulu, arching an eyebrow.
“Hey.” Caleb, said, entering the front door and heading straight for the kitchen. “Hi, mom. You look weird as usual.” Laughter again.
Cybil appeared behind him. “When's dinner? I have to go visit my ailing friend Goosebury.” There was more laughter.
“I'd better call Reggie.”
Her entire family stopped what they were doing and turned toward her, puzzled. Except for the witch, who just continued to smile.
“Who is Reggie?” Caleb broke the silence.
“Just one of Lulu's inventions,” Jake answered. “She's been making up the most creative tales lately. She recently came up with some wild story about her aunt the Wicked Witch of West Texas threatening to kidnap her. Can you imagine?”
“How interesting,” the witch remarked. Laugher echoed in the background.
“Yes. We're going to send her to a headshrinker next week if she continues to babble nonsense.” Jake took another sip of horchata.
“Now, don't trouble yourself about it, Jake,” the witch said. “I'll have a little talk with her and she'll be right as rain.”
“That's a great idea,” Anne said. “Maybe after dinner the two of you can go for a stroll.” Bob barked and wagged. He ran from the room to get his leash. Whenever walks or any other outing was mentioned, Bob immediately went looking for his leash.
“One thing. Do we have a pet monkey?”
“Lulu, really.” Anne said putting down her pot holders. There was nothing cooking that Lulu could see, so the potholders, apparently, were just affect.
“I do have a party to go to,” Caleb said, “so let's eat.”
“Dinner is served.” The witch waved her wand. “Somebody get that centerpiece before it comes to life and starts a havoc.”
Lulu checked her pocket. Sure enough the vial was there. She had no idea how she was supposed to proceed, given that she now had no idea what had transpired--in her entire life. She thought it best to keep quiet until she could speak with the witch, who was they only one who might clarify matters. Assuming that she cared to. Her family all filed out of the kitchen toward the dining room, the witch lingering.
“Don't worry, Lulu. Things will settle down soon enough.” Her wicked aunt smiled a non-mean smile. “My plan has worked out better than I ever could have anticipated.”
“What's going on? You said things would be like they were before.”
“I sent you back to Walla Walla, so in that sense they are. However, once one has opened certain doors, things begin to rearrange on their own. The fact that you actually time-traveled from an alternate universe within an alternate universe necessarily opens up multiple channels, so really the effect is unpredictable and multifaceted, but very educational, which was part of the point.”
“You planned this?”
“In a manner of speaking, yes. I set the bezoar in your path as well as the bling ring, but nothing more would have come of it without you taking the plunge, so to speak. You hid the bezoar after Bob did his job and delivered it.”
Bob dropped his leash and barked twice, wagging madly.
“Bob! Bad dog!” Bob looked unfazed.
“Then you slipped the bling ring on your finger, committing your first act of magic. There was no turning back once you wore the ring.”
“What's going to happen now?”
“Plenty. As I said, you did better than expected. And you did the whole thing without the assistance of your useless brother, so I doubt you’ll really miss him.” The witch turned and walked out of the kitchen.
Lulu stood in the kitchen for a moment, looking at the cookie jar, and tried to remember what Reggie looked like. As she pictured him, he appeared in front of her as a mostly translucent form.
“Reggie? Is that you?”
“Of course it's me, stupid. Who else would it be.”
“Well, then, get lost.” Lulu said. As soon as she spoke the words his barely-there form vanished.
Horchata
(Parental Help Required)
1 cup long grain white rice
1 to 2 inch piece cinnamon bark
8 cups water
1/2 cup sugar
¼ to ½ teaspoon vanilla extract
Rinse your rice in a strainer. Then combine rice and water. Put these ingredients into a blender and blend until the rice begins to break up. Leaving rice in small pieces, place this mixture in a saucepan and add the rest of the ingredients. Let these ingredients sit for at least three hours and up to overnight (refrigerated). Then bring the contents of the saucepan to a boil, and, lowering the temperature, simmer the mixture for 30 minutes. Strain through cheesecloth or a fine sieve. Chill. Serve with ice. Warning: Don’t throw this tasty beverage on witches, as it has a very adverse effect on their already unappealing dispositions.
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