Chapters 24 and 25--- Kubla Khan and Key to the Kingdom

Chapter 24: Kubla Khan

They continued for some time before they emerged from the forest into a valley. It was a sea of green dotted with red poppies and the air swarmed with tiny orange butterflies.[88]So thick were the jacinthe-colored fluttering bugs that they blocked out the full moon. She could see them because of the crown, without which the lack of even moonlight would have made everything inky dark. The butterflies were all flying the same direction, as if they were in a great rush to get to a particular destination. Standing there, she was pelted by tiny, soft bodies so much that it felt like a rain of cotton balls. She hadn’t time to gawk, though, they had to press on.

“Come on, Reggie.” He followed, seemingly uneffected by lack of vision.

They emerged from the butterfly cloud to find a road which edged the poppy field on one side and a forest of candy trees on the other. The road was paved in a red substance. It would make sense, this being his kingdom, for Kubla to create a road leading to his home, so Lulu decided to follow.

They came to the end of the forest and having passed the last of the dense foliage, Lulu saw, not far off, a mountain. Or rather a volcano. It was erupting a viscous substance which flowed into a pool of the same substance where it boiled and burbled.

“That's the nacho volcano. It's also why I elected to follow you.” It was the deep voice of the coyote.

“You're still here.”

“Aren't you the clever one?” The nose and eyes appeared to her. “What you didn't figure out is that I'm actually a unicorn.”

“I assumed you were lying.”

“Well I couldn't admit to being a unicorn because it would only terrify you and make following you that much more difficult. I'm tired of trying to follow people who are running away shrieking.”

“Why would they be scared?”

“Well, sometimes I do enjoy a kabab, but you two looked interesting, so I decided upon a disguise. "Nobody ever suspects an invisible coyote.”

“Do you also know where Kubla Khan is?”

“Maybe, but I don't really care. It's the Nachos I came for, and you had the key to get through the door, so quit bothering me. I still have the cheese dragon to deal with and if I don't want to get burned, I'd best figure out how to make friends. You don't have any blue cheese in there...”

Lulu stepped in front of the portmanteau. “No we don't. Now why don't you scram.”

“You're perfectly useless. I wish you'd leave me alone,” the invisible unicorn said.

“You followed us,” she pointed out.

“I know you are, but what am I?”

“If you're really a unicorn, why don't you show yourself now? You've already admitted it and I haven't run away screaming.”

“Fine.” The unicorn appeared in front of her, it's horn gleaming and unsettlingly sharp. “Now, this would be a great time for you to run away shrieking. I'm bored with you.”

“I'm bored with you.” Lulu answered.

“You're lucky I'm in the mood for cheese right now.” The unicorn narrowed its eyes, which made it look sinister in spite of its rainbow coat. "Anyway, my job is to protect you, as you seem innocent and that's what unicorns do. We protect the innocent, but I like to have fun, too."

“Let's go, Reggie.” Reggie did as he was told and glancing back, Lulu saw the unicorn galloping toward the mountain.

Chapter 25: Key to the Kingdom

Looking around, she surmised that dawn must be breaking for it was getting lighter. She could tell because the light the crown showed was colorless, or rather, it showed much less color and now the colors were regaining daytime vibrance. The sky was beginning to seethe deep purple patterns. No more Not-Cupcakes had ticked away since last she checked, but time seemed not to be very reliable, or the watch wasn't. Either way made the watch irrelevant, Lulu thought. Best to hurry.

They had walked for some time when there came into sight a grassy meadow, in the center of which sat a creature Lulu almost immediately recognized as Kubla Khan.

It wasn’t just his flashing eyes that gave him away, nor his floating hair, nor even the way said hair wove three concentric circles around him. It was, as the witch predicted, his look of total self-importance, not to mention the hundreds of what Lulu took to be smashed Honeydew pods littering the ground around him and the huge Milk of Paradise shake he was washing it all down with. The striped britches were also a clue.

“What are you hideous creatures?” The glowing-eyed fellow demanded in the haughtiest voice Lulu had ever heard. “If you’re more interlopers sent by that witch, know that those before you ended up brunch for the Chupacabras.”

Lulu was shaking in her red sequined shoes. Being eaten by Chupacabras was almost certainly what the witch intended for them when she sent them on this quest. Although there was no way of being certain. They didn't call her wicked for nothing, as the witch herself pointed out.

“You’d better have some explanation for why you came here, and do it fast,” he demanded again.
“Uh, well, I’m Lulu,” she began, “and this is Reggie and we’re here to pay you our respect, oh great and powerful Kubla Khan.” She hoped appealing to his narcissism would disarm him.

“Respect, eh?” the creature looked pleased, or at least she thought he did. His red eyes glowed a bit brighter. It was a little hard to tell what that meant for sure. “I am pretty kaleidoscopic,” he admitted, smoothing the hair rings that floated around him.

“But who sent you? Did the witch have anything to do with you being here?” he asked suspiciously.

 “I can whistle for a Chupacabra right now if you don’t explain yourself.”

“Well…” Lulu began searching her brain for something to say, “it’s really very simple.” (Of course, it wasn’t.)

“Go on…” Kubla Khan urged. “And do curtsy when you address me.”

Lulu curtsied several times hoping to buy a few seconds in which an idea would occur to her.

“Enough curtsying. Explain yourself now,” Kubla demanded. “And if you've disturbed the dragon, this will be your last explanation ever.”

“We heard a story about your greatness and we just wanted to come and see you for ourselves,” Lulu explained. It was a weak explanation though, she thought.

“That makes sense. But you’re drably attired. I’d certainly find it easier to trust you if your sartorial sense ran more to the polychromatic. Even better were you wearing a varicolored regular linear pattern of complimentary hues or tertiary hues of like value.[89]I think I’d recommend something in amaranthine and chartreuse, or perhaps aurulent and aubergine. That might make you believable.” Kubla scowled at her. “Tell me what club you're in.”

 “We brought you a very special crown.” Lulu lifted the crown from her head.

She held it up where the jewels caught the sun and the gold gleamed. Kubla’s flashing, glowing eyes widened with what she hoped was greed.

“Give it to me now,” he said, holding his hands out. “I must have it. Those jewels accessorize my polychromic splendor to glorious excess.” His floating hair stood straight on end. Weird hair seemed to be de rigueur in this neck of the woods.

“That diadem will provide that idiosyncratic je ne sais quoi my vestiary communiqué so requires.” He smoothed his banded pantaloons and reached for the garish coronet. “Oh, my glorious façade will be the most radiant in the galaxies. All who come shall see my splendor.

Lulu was trepidatious about approaching him, but she did it, holding the crown as far out in front of her as possible and hoping not to have to touch him. The instant she was in range, he grabbed it and placed it on his head.

His whole demeanor changed when it touched his bald scalp. He smiled and his hair settled down and hung like normal, if very long, hair. His eyes stopped flashing. He threw down the Honeydew pod he’d been about to devour.

“What am I doing here?” he asked. “I have a great white Snipe to hunt and it’s nowhere around here. You kids run along now, I’ve a hunt to get on with for a very rare giant, white, tentacled Snipe. Unless, of course, you want to sign on to my crew.” He scrutinized them.

“We really have to get back now, Kubla,” Lulu explained, backing away.  She had a feeling signing up for any project led by a lunatic like this one was better skipped. Lulu had no idea how they would get back, since they had about half a Cupcake left, which wasn’t nearly long enough unless they found a Levitation Lily or something. She certainly wished she had picked more of the Levitaion Lily when she had the chance, so they could fly at will.

“Go if you wish, then. No matter. I have no idea where this Kubla business came from. Take this key to the kingdom, it’s yours now.” He took a gold skeleton key from his vest pocket. “For some reason your visit reminded me that I have a job to do. I have to get a crew for my hunt for the great albugineous Snipe. It is, after all, my mortal enemy, its leucochroic pallidity being an assault on my iridescent chromacity. His filemot polka dots don’t help, either.”[90]

“That’s perfectly understandable.” Lulu felt wished to curtail this discussion as much as possible.

“When I find the creature, I will send word, as it seems that this is also the creature that you have sought.” With that he got up, straightened his red and green striped suit, smoothed his lace collar and turned away, the crown on his head glinting as he went. “Tell the witch I’ll be back for some more evil conspiracies within the week.”

[88]The insects were inspired by the American Snout, a real species that exists in Texas. The witch thought they’d be a nice addition to Sugarland.
[89]Kubla wore uranium red and arsenic green stripes on his pants.
[90]Kubla is also anti-polkadotalian and anti-zigzagatarian.