Lulu didn’t like the direction this conversation was heading one bit.
“I don't think there's much we can do about that Kubla whatever guy.”
“I believe there may indeed be something very major you can do about him. Of course, that’s assuming you want to go back to Walla Walla and have everything back like it was before,” the witch continued, cat tails swishing as she spoke.
“Are you saying that if we do what you want, you’ll send us home?” Lulu asked. “Back to Walla Walla? As soon as we accomplish the task?”
“I doubt it will come to that, but sure,” the witch answered. “if perchance you survive, I’ll send you back.”
The witch waved her wand and there appeared in front of her an old suitcase.
“This portmanteau,” she said, pointing at the case, “contains everything you’ll need for your expedition. You will travel to Xanadu and deliver this fabulous crown to my arch enemy, Khubla Khan,”[72]The witch pulled from her small bag a gold diadem that glinted and sparkled with many-colored jewels. Lulu wondered how the witch made things fit in the bag that were, themselves, larger than the bag. That would be pretty useful for a book bag to take to school. Maybe having a witch in the family could get one some pretty amazing birthday presents.
The witch held the crown overhead so it caught the sunlight in each jewel.
It was the most beautiful thing Lulu had seen and she was pretty sure Kubla would be quite pleased.
“You said, if we 'survive.’ Does that mean this mission is dangerous?” Lulu asked.
“I hope it’s dangerous,” Reggie put in. “Can we carry weapons? I want a sword or a gun.”
“The weapons, should you choose to accept this assignment, won’t be those kinds. And yes, it's dangerous. I sincerely doubt that you'll make it, but if you do, you'll have earned your way back home. There have been others before you and none of them has ever lived so long in Sugarland as you'll have to in order to accomplished such a difficult task, but then, nobody has ever escaped the Black Mansion, either. And you aremy bratty relations, after all.”
The Wicked Witch of West Texas opened the case, which contained an assortment of bottles and instruments and objects of every sort. There was a bottle marked “Chupacabra Repellent,” a “Snipe Kit,” (a pillowcase, a flashlight and a railway share) and a “Blandishment Bell,” which sounded un-useful, to say the least. There was a can labeled “Gray Away Spray,” that appeared to be a can of Silly String. One bottle was labeled “Eat Me,” and another, “Drink Me,” which Lulu was sure she wasn’t going to do.
“Whatever you do, don’t put on the crown--it's enchanted. If either of you put it on, the enchantment will be nixed and the crown alone won’t be enough to win him over. And another thing: when you approach him, call him Kubla and don’t tell him I sent you. At least not until he’s tried on the crown. If he thinks I sent you, you're Chupa chow. That might appease him a bit, since his pets do enjoy treats and you two pack a lot of protein, but it won’t really accomplish my objectives.”
“How are we supposed to recognize him?” Lulu asked.
“You’ll know him by his air of self-importance. And do keep the Chupacabra Repellent close at hand. In fact, keep it in your hand at all times, particularly on his side of the wall. As I already mentioned, he has a bit of an infestation going on over there and those critters are hungry.”
Chupacabras weren't something she much wanted to run into. Legend posited that they sucked all the blood out of goats. She considered imagining what they might do to her and Reggie, but quickly squelched the thought before she started. She was feeling less enthusiastic about imagining bad things happening, for some reason.
“We don’t know where this Xanadu even is,” Reggie objected.
“There’s a map,” the witch replied. Lulu still kind of liked the cat tail hair-do, as the tails waved and twitched, their fur shining in the sun. She didn't tell the witch this, however.
Lulu hunted through the Sugarland Expedition Kit until she found a parchment scroll, which she unrolled to find was labeled “Uncharted Territory,” and was otherwise blank.
“It’s blank,” Lulu objected.
“That’s why it’s called ‘Uncharted Territory,’” the witch said with a sneer. “If it had a bunch of stuff on it, it would only confuse you.”
“Great,” said Reggie. “That should help a lot.”
“Oh, and besides the mortal danger of this mission, there’s another catch,” the witch informed them. “There always is in these stories, you know. If you don’t complete the task by Cupcake, you’ll both turn into pillars of sugar, which I wouldn’t terribly mind. You’ll make lovely statues. Never mind that, though. The first thing you should do is find a Snipe and don't bother trying to talk to the Taco Walker. He's doomed to wander Sugarland forever looking for a taco stand after he complained about the food at my fine establishment.”
“I have one question.” The witch just stared at Lulu.
“If this Khubla guy can't be hexed or whatever, how it the crown going to work on him?”
“So, you're paying attention. That's very good. It will work because of my gorgeously inspired plan of having you deliver it.”
“That doesn't make sense.”
“Yes, it does.”
“We’ll only do it if you sign a contract saying that you’ll send us home when we complete the task,” Lulu said.
“A contract? You can trust me.”
“A contract,” Lulu demanded.
“Yeah. A contract,” Reggie added. He was thinking about the WWJD bracelet.
“Oh, fine.” The witch waved her wand and a piece of parchment appeared in her hand. The witch took a pen from her handbag and signed.
“This is magical ink and no contract written in it can ever be broken,” the witch explained. “Oh, and one more piece of advice: if anyone asks what club you’re in, change the subject.”
“I don’t belong to any clubs.”
“Don’t tell anyone that, no matter what.”
“But why not?”
“Because here, everyone is in a club, and is against everyone in any other club, but the one thing they all agree on is that they all hate, more than anyone in any other club, persons who don’t belong to a club. I dare say you’d fit nicely in the Society of the Sallow, though.”
“Sallow? What’s that?”
“Your coloring is extremely xanthic. If you avoid wearing navy, perhaps nobody will notice, though.”
“I never wear navy. It makes me look yellow,” Lulu said.[73]
“I have to admit you’re surprisingly smart considering your parentage.”
With that final statement, she waved her wand and disappeared. The contract fell to the ground and Lulu retrieved it, placing it in the Expedition Kit. She had no idea whether the contract would really be enforceable, but it was all she had.
“What do we do now?” Reggie asked.
“I guess we should get started,” Lulu answered.
“But we don’t have any idea where we’re going,” Reggie pointed out.
“We have to start exploring and ask the nearby residents for directions,” Lulu suggested. “The witch said to find a Snipe.”
“I hate asking directions,” Reggie complained. Lulu just rolled her eyes.
Reggie dug around in the Expedition Kit for a minute until he pulled something furry and black. It had a label attached that read “Navigational Mustache.”
“Now this could be useful,” he said sticking the sticky strip under his nose to attach it. “It's kind of cool.”
The mustache looked like the ones on the mariachis at Taco World, which was almost provocation for hilarity. But, only until she realized that there was nothing funny about their situation and got control of her mirth. It didn't help that the moment Reggie attached the thing it began to twitch from side to side, though. She couldn't stifle a small guffaw.
“You're just jealous because I found it,” Reggie said, looking indignant. “Now I'll know which way to go.”
“Oh, really? How do we know how that thing even works?”
“It's twitching so it must mean that we should go that way.” He pointed.
“Fine. We'll go that way.” Lulu had no faith in the Navigational Mustache, but they did need to start moving and the way Reggie was pointing made as much sense as any.
Just then a man with long, stringy hair and the slouching posture of someone nearing collapse meandered their way.
“Excuse me,” Lulu said, but the man didn't even look at her. He seemed to be muttering something to himself. Lulu took a few steps closer until she could distinguish what it was he was repeating. He was saying “must find tacos” over and over to himself. So, this must be the Taco Walker, the witch had mentioned.
“Come on, Reggie, he's not going to tell us anything,” Lulu said, turning to her brother. We'll have to find someone else. The Taco Walker shuffled off, still muttering.
Reggie carried the portmanteau with their Expedition Kit inside and Lulu took charge of the crown and the Chupacabra Repellent. She wasn’t sure she trusted Reggie not to try the diadem on and ruin the charm. It was exactly something she would expect him to do.
[72]Portmanteaus are also great for packing words together, like breakfast and lunch, to make ‘brunch’.
[73]Lulu later discovered her most flattering color was puce plaid paired with paisley and polka dots. This conforms to the well-known fashion school: The Trompe L'oeil Terror or the closely related Op L'oeil Terror.
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