Lulu was still contemplating ways of escaping, of which she could think of basically none that didn't involve supernatural intervention, when she heard a sneeze, which was odd because she was the only person in the room besides Reggie. She was looking right at him, and she was sure she’d have noticed sneezing herself. She looked around the room and at first saw nothing out of the ordinary. Then came another sneeze.
“Bless you,” Lulu said, not wanting any evil spirits to fly into the mouth of the non-existent sneezer.[64]Then she realized she didn’t believe in non-existent entities and therefore she also did not believe they could sneeze, nor did she believe in evil spirits. Lulu remembered a well-known philosophical principle: “sternu ergo sum,” or “I sneeze, therefore I am.” Surely this was the exact situation to which said principle was meant to apply.
That’s when she saw the transparent and barely visible form of what seemed to be a chair emerge from the actual chair on which only a short time before, she'd been sleeping.
“What in the world?”
“I'm a ghost,” the greenish glowing chair squeaked though it didn't have a mouth. Still she heard the voice, even if it didn't exactly seem like she heard it with her ears. It was as if the ghost could speak directly into her skull and also like her skull was a lot roomier.
“That’s impossible. I don’t believe it.”
“Just because something’s impossible doesn’t mean you can’t believe it, Lulu,” the ghost pointed out. “You just need to go to political rallies more often to practice. The more you practice believing impossible things the easier it gets. Besides, isn't my existence proof that ghosts are not impossible?”
Normally, she would expect to be terrified upon seeing a ghost, but this seemed to be the least scary of all the scary things she'd experienced of late. She wished Reggie were here to see it. As it was, he just stared straight in front of him and took no notice of the strange sight. (Almost certainly the witch had hoped for a more fearsome manifestation.)
Lulu wondered for a moment what ghost etiquette required of her. Perhaps she should try to act scared, she reasoned, since that was the expected response and she didn’t want to insult it.
“Oooh, nooo. I'm terribly afraid,” she said, hoping she sounded at least partially alarmed, but she was sure it came off half-hearted. The ghost sneezed again.
“You don’t sound so good, ghost,” Lulu ventured.
“Texas ghosts don’t do so well in colder climes,” the chair ghost replied. “and I've been in your house in Walla Walla for the last month, though I was too weak for anyone to notice me. I'm only just getting back my apparitional abilities. But I’m supposed to be scaring you and if I don’t, the witch is going to be very angry. She's horrible when she's angry. She might even make me disappear altogether.”
“I didn’t know that chairs had ghosts."
“Most don’t,” the chair ghost explained, “but I was a haunted chair.”
Lulu had heard the phrase “ghost in the machine” before. If machines could have ghosts, obviously chairs could too, Lulu reasoned.
“Maybe if you try sitting on me you’ll find me scarier,” the ghostly chair suggested. The idea seemed reasonable since Lulu was pretty sure that if she tried sitting on it she’d fall right on her behind, which was almost scary, though not terribly.
Lulu read a book once that had classifications for ghosts, but she didn't exactly remember them. She seemed to recall it went something like this: (a) those that used to be kings, (b) rotten ones, (c) those that do tricks, (d) duckling corpses, (e) merman phantasms, (f) fabulous flaming frogs, (g) dead amphibians, (h) this kind, (i) those that act crazy, (j) uncountable ones, (k) those drawn with a marker, (l) those kinds, (m) those that have just spilled some perfume, (n) those that fly around making hideous noises.
She couldn’t place this chair ghost neatly in any classification, except perhaps “this kind,” and “those kinds,” but since those classifications were extremely ambiguous, she had no way of knowing. Besides, she was almost certain that the classifications were some kind of a weird joke anyway. It was cool to know that ghosts really exist, though, especially since she liked to imagine that if a strange bad thing happened to her she would become a ghost herself and haunt a lot of places. She'd have to tell Jake about this when they got home since he constantly told her ghosts didn't exist. Or maybe she wouldn't tell him.
Lulu also thought it would be great to get a scientist to study the chair ghost. Except that scientists never believe in ghosts, which is too bad because they'd be a great thing to study. As she stood there looking at it, something occurred to Lulu.
“I have an idea. You could get away from the Texas witch permanently.”
“I wish I could,” the ghost replied. “Why don’t you just go into the light?” Lulu suggested.
“Oh, I couldn't. I don't know how.”
“It's easy. They do it all the time on TV, so it has to be possible,” Lulu pointed out. “Just look around and see if you can see the light.”
“I guess I could try,” the chair replied, sounding less than convinced.
“Stare hard right in front of you and I'm sure you'll see the light,” Lulu instructed the phantasmic chair. She wasn't really quite so sure that this approach would work, but it couldn't hurt to try.
“Oh, I do. I do see it.”
“Now, just go toward it.”
“Thank you so much for freeing me from the witch, but aren't you afraid she's going to be angry at you?”
Don't worry about that. I don't see how she could be much madder at me than she already is. I threw horchata on her and made her shrink to the size of a Texas cockroach. Smaller actually, and she's plenty steamed at me. Besides, I don't care how mad she gets at me. She didn't have to go and kidnap me if she doesn't like being shrunk.”
“If you say so.”
“Go now, before she gets back,” Lulu urged the ghost. It was true the witch would be angry, but she wasn't going to let that stop her from freeing the chair ghost. If only it could be so easy for her to escape.
“The light is so beautiful...”
With those words the chair faded away. Lulu was pretty sure it would be a while before the witch even noticed such a meek ghost was gone.
“This certainly is a strange place,” Lulu said to Reggie, who simply stared, unblinking, at nothing much. “And I'm really worried about Bob.”
As Lulu sat down in the black chair beside the one where Reggie sat, she realized she was starving. She hadn’t eaten since they left Walla Walla. The whole time they’d made tacos they hadn’t any time to eat anything.
She searched her pockets and discovered only some black licorice she bought at the corner store just before she decided to take Bob for a walk.
Lulu’d completely forgotten it was there, but she was really glad it was. She thought about giving some to Reggie, but he hated black licorice and even though he was… well, whatever he was, he probably wouldn’t eat it. She began to eat as slowly as possible, finally just licking the last bit of it ‘til it dissolved between her fingers, staining them the same color as Reggie, who was now dry and dyed a middle value of grey.
Who knew when they’d eat again, if ever? Or when the witch would come, if ever? Or what the witch would do to them when she did arrive? That part was actually the most troubling. After the wasps, Lulu was pretty sure she didn’t want to find out. But then, neither did she want to be left to perish in this horrible Black Mansion. She pictured how they'd look after weeks with no food. It was going to be horrible. Maybe they'd even just be skeletons by the time the witch returned. She'd probably keep their ghosts in the Black Mansion like she had with the chair, but Lulu would still try to get back to Walla Walla. She wondered if her parents would even notice her hanging around as a ghost, or if they would just think the witch still was holding them captive. She'd have to think of some way of getting their attention.
Looking at her blackened fingers an idea occurred to Lulu. And just in time, too, because at that same moment a snap, crackle, and a pop split the air and in a puff of smoke the wicked witch of Texas appeared. Lulu did her best to maintain a completely neutral expression, even as she realized that the witch's head was no longer covered with snakes, but that black, slimy tentacles now writhed in their place. That and her gown was shimmering red.
Standing beside the witch was a cat.
“Well, cat,” she addressed the animal, “looks like my plan worked. The ungrateful brats touched the Pool of Serenity. It appears the boy fell in and Lulu wet her hand saving him. We won’t be having any more trouble with them now that they’ve been rendered oblivious. They'll be perfect taco slaves and quit complaining about the opportunity I've so generously given them to work in the delishiousness industry.” As she said this, the witch pushed away a tentacle that had become interested in trying to go up her nose. “I don't know about these tentacles, either. The snakes weren't as much trouble.”
“Mrrrreow,” the cat answered.
“I did have hopes for Lulu, but she'll still be useful. Tacos need to be made, after all.”
“RRRRRR,” the cat growled.
“Just watch,” the witch said, turning toward Reggie and Lulu. “Stand up,” she ordered.
Reggie automatically obeyed, and Lulu did likewise. The witch gave a few more simple commands to demonstrate to the cat her mastery of the situation. The cat looked bored and began to groom his front paws. As all of this happened, the witch kept having to push the same tentacle away from her face.
“Now, you two sit down and don’t move,” the witch ordered. She stood there, staring at them, and as she did, her annoyance seemed to wane. They both sat motionless, but as the witch contemplated her captives, Lulu’s nose started to itch. The witch's nose-interested tentacle wavered near witch-schnoz. Lulu fought to keep from giving any sign, whether by facial expression or movement, hoping the itch would just go away. Her eyes began to water, and still the witch stared at her.
The itching was so bad it felt like seven years[65]that the witch gazed at her, even though it was just a minute or two. She prayed she wouldn’t sneeze, even as a tear slipped down one cheek. Lulu was about to give in and scratch her nose when the witch turned away and the cat followed her and Lulu gave her nose a scratch as quickly as possible.
The witch, who had turned to the black curtain across from Lulu, raised her wand and with a wave there appeared a painting in an ornate black frame. At the same time the surface of the pool turned solid and became part of the floor and the diving board disappeared.
“I need a new Flower of Evil for my dress,” she remarked and as she did, a shimmering black bush appeared in the painting and then, seemed to emerge from the surface, enlarging as it came nearer and planting itself in the center of the room, roots boring into the black floor. The bush had glittering black blossoms like the one the witch wore before the horchata event. The witch picked one, held it to her nose and inhaled its fragrance, and then pinned it to her bodice. Lulu noticed the new gown was covered with ruby crystals that gave the vague impression of being insectoid without, somehow, looking like insects. A ring with a black stone glimmered on her hand.
“Now, we’ll return them to the taco stand.” As the witch finished speaking there suddenly arose a terrible sound from somewhere very nearby. It was a hideous sub-human shrieking.
“Oh, dear. I do believe it’s Mike,” the witch said to the cat. “Well, come on. We’d better see what his problem is this time before he goes shabazzle again. Those pesky kids should have brought him some coffee.”
[64]The custom of saying "bless you,” to a sneezer supposedly relates to superstitions involving sneezing that may relate to many things including demons and black death.
[65]Proving time is relative.
No comments:
Post a Comment