“This portmanteau is heavy,” Reggie complained after they had walked a short distance, the trail now ascending a small hill. “Why can’t I carry the crown and you carry this stupid kit? Or maybe we could just leave the kit behind.”
Lulu didn’t answer him, though. She was too busy contemplating the huge stone wall that came into view far off against the horizon as they reached the top of the hill. The sky had gone to a pinker color, and more plaid, as they crested the rise, and the grass had taken on a decidedly mauve cast as well. It appeared to be getting a bit dusky.
“Look there, in the distance,” she said. “I wonder if that’s Kubla Khan’s kingdom. The witch mentioned a wall.”
“I’m not going any farther,” Reggie announced. I’m staying here and you can go find this Khan guy, if he even exists. And you can have this stupid Expedition Kit, too. I’m finished.”
“I can’t carry that and the crown and the Chupacabra repellent. I only have two hands. You have to come or we’ll never get back home.”
“So, wear the crown,” Reggie shot back. “She’ll never know.”
“Have you forgotten that there’s a charm on it and if either of us puts it on Kubla will have us eaten by Chupacabras?”
“Well, too bad. You’ll just have to figure something out,” Reggie retorted.
“You’re scheduled to turn into sugar too, in case you’ve forgotten.”
“I don’t believe that nonsense about sugar,” Reggie said, “She’s just trying to scare us into doing what she wants. It’s probably just a trap she’s sending us into, anyway,” Reggie countered.
“She already had us at the castle, so why send us into a trap?” Lulu pointed out.[82]“And if you want to get home, you have to help me.”
“Well, you’re not the boss of me. I’m tired and hungry so I’m not going,” he said, as he sat down on the ground. “I’m going to take a nap and then go back to that castle where there’s plenty of food. You do what you want.”
She argued with him for some minutes but it finally became clear that he wasn’t going to cooperate. Looking at the watch, she discovered that they had used up another Cupcake since leaving the Haggis and Bear.
“We’re going to get turned into sugar if we don’t hurry.”
She gave up on him when he started saying “I know you are but what am I?” to her every remark. Lulu decided she should look through the Expedition Kit and see if there was anything that might help her carry the crown and the case, since Reggie wasn’t going to help.
As soon as she opened the kit, Reggie fell to the ground again in another fit. He went stiff again and began to shake, electricity pulsing around him.
She had just dropped the turbo encabulator and barely managed to catch it in the vacuum bucket when her eyes lit on something unexpected. It was the answer to her problem, or maybe two. She seemed to recall the Piñata people mentioning “the black stuff,” in reference to Reggie’s fits.
Reggie was coming to again.
“Reggie, if you’re going back to the castle you might want to take this with you.” She handed him the map of ‘Uncharted Territory.’
“This map is useless,” Reggie said, flinging it down.
“Not if you have this magic ink,” she said showing him the vial. “Just dip your finger in the ink and then touch the map. It’s like that lemon juice trick. The real map appears magically.”
“Cool,” Reggie exclaimed, grabbing the vial out of her hand.
Lulu felt a little thrill of satisfaction as Reggie unscrewed the top of the vial and stuck his finger in.
The moment his finger touched the ink she knew she’d have no more argument from him. She also realized she’d just pulled the same trick on Reggie that the Wicked Witch of West Texas had in getting him to touch the liquid from the Pool of Serenity. She’d purposely obliviated her brother.
But, Lulu reasoned, I am trying to get us home and the wicked witch obliviated Reggie just to achieve some strange taco obsession. So, it isn’t really the same. Besides, it might help his fits.
Maybe she should just undo the obliviation. It wasn’t until she had that thought that she realized she didn’t know any way, other than passing through a magic painting to undo it.
What if it didn’t come undone even when they went back to Walla Walla? She had a strange feeling in her stomach she’d never felt before and it wasn’t good. It was as if the fireflies had turned to slithering serpents. She wondered if she had maybe even wanted Reggie like this forever when she tricked him, and then Lulu pictured explaining this to their parents. She could blame the witch, but was it really just the witch’s fault?
True, the witch put her in this situation, which lead to the obliviating, but... It was all too confusing. Figuring out who was most at fault was impossible.
One thing was for sure: if her parents found out the truth they probably wouldn’t want her around anymore, she thought. They might even willingly give her to the witch and never want to see her again. Lulu was about to cry when she realized she couldn’t. The only chance she had to get Reggie better was to press on with their quest and, if ever the unlikely situation were to occur that she needed his advice, all she would have to do is ask herself “WWRD” and she could easily imagine for herself his stupid input without having to listen to it longer than she wanted to.
Lulu took a deep breath and made up her mind that she’d find the stupid Khan and the witch would be so pleased she’d put Reggie back the way he was. It was the only way. For her to do it, though, she had to quit standing around thinking and get moving. And Reggie, who now had no choice, was still going to have to help. She reached over and ripped the Navigational Mustache off his face and threw it down. At least she wouldn't have to look at that thing any more.
“Now, pick up the case and follow me,” Lulu told him. He obeyed her. It was nice not to have him argue about every little thing.
As they went down the hill toward the meadow, on the other side of which the wall loomed, something that Lulu had taken from a distance to be a rock came into closer view. It was a statue of a girl about her size.
On closer examination, it looked to be made entirely of sugar. Glistening, white sugar. Even the dress and apron she wore and the ribbon used to tie back her solid-sugar hair. On closer inspection, Lulu discovered a small plaque on one heel of the shoe of the statue that read “Special.”[83]Lulu looked at Reggie, who, of course just stared, and felt for a moment like she did when he dumped ice cubes down the back of her dress. The Not-Cupcakes were passing too fast, she thought looking again at the watch to discover another was gone.
Who had this girl been before she got changed to sugar? Lulu wondered if she had a cousin that nobody had heard from for long time. Whomever the girl was, Lulu didn’t want to suffer the same fate. She had to hurry. “Let’s get to that wall,” she said to Reggie, who followed her.
Lulu made her way across the meadow, and as she did a breeze kicked up and suddenly a number of fluffy pink balls of what appeared to be cotton candy came tumbling across the grassy expanse.
“What in the world...” Lulu began, as one of them blew past.
“Those are tumbleweeds,” a voice remarked. Looking around, though, Lulu couldn’t find the source of the voice. Reggie stood staring, taking no notice of anything.
“Who said that?” Lulu demanded.
“Why, I did, of course,” the gravelly voice replied.
Lulu looked in the direction from which the voice had come, but still saw nobody.
“Why can’t I see you?”
“Because when I hunt I’m invisible, but watch and I’ll show you the tip of my nose.”
Suddenly there appeared floating mid-air about two feet off the ground a wet black nose.
“Are you a dog?”
“No, I’m a coyote[84]and being invisible is just one of my tricks.”
“What are you hunting?” It occurred to Lulu that she didn’t know if invisible coyotes liked to dine on kids, and that this animal might be dangerous.
“Oh, don’t worry, I’m a grammarian, meaning I only eat language parts. I was just after some dangling modifiers. There’s a whole tree full of them around here somewhere. They’re wonderful with a lightly dressed word salad and some alphabet soup. One can make most anything happen with the skillful application of just the right jumble of sounds.”
Lulu wasn’t sure what in the world this strange animal was talking about, and she was pretty sure the explanation would make as little sense as the original statement.
“Okay,” Lulu said, addressing herself to the floating nose. “I’m also hunting. Something called a Snipe. Do you know where to find one?”
“I would look in every direction.”
“That’s not terribly helpful advice,” Lulu replied.
“How do you even know I’m not a Snipe that’s getting ready to gobble you up for brunch?”
“You just said you’re a coyote and a grammarian.”
“Do you always believe what any old stranger you meet tells you?”
“No, of course not.”
“Even if I knew where a Snipe was I’d probably lie to you about it. I’d lie and say I didn’t, or I’d lie and tell you it was someplace else, or maybe I’d lie and say that I was the Snipe you sought.” The nose jiggled up and down as the otherwise invisible creature talked. “That way you’d learn not to believe everything you’re told.”
Lulu realized that no matter what this weird creature told her, she wouldn’t be able to believe it.
“We’d best be going now. Come on, Reggie.”
“Don’t go. I was just starting to enjoy your company. Some people very much like the company of coyotes, especially the ones that are hairy on the inside.”
A pair of brown eyes appeared above the nose and stared at Lulu. A chill tingled her spine. She didn’t like this coyote’s tone, if a coyote it even was.
“I really have to be going. I have important things to do.”
“Oh, well then, perhaps I should come along. I’m ever so good at important things. In fact, they are the only things I ever do. Why do anything if it isn’t important? That’s my motto, and you should know that the very fact that I undertake an activity is enough to make that activity important.”
“No, thanks. I don’t want to take your time from finding that tree.”
“Oh, that. Never mind that. You said you have important things to do, so I’ll just come along. Besides, I think there will be plenty of food wherever you two are going.”
“No, really, coyote. It’s going to be dangerous. We have to go to someplace called Xanadu that’s full of Chupacabras.”
“Oh, good. Anything that involves Chupacabras is terribly important.”
“I’m going now. You can just get back to whatever it was you were doing.”
“Yes. Let’s go,” the disembodied nose and eyes said before fading away.
“Come on Reggie. See you later coyote.”
“You haven’t even seen me now,” the voice reminded her. “Except for my nose and eyes, which you don't even know were mine and not just a set I took off the last creature that crossed my hunting path.”
Lulu continued across the field, a few more pink cotton candy tumbleweeds blowing by as she did.
“This is a tumbleweed race day,” the voice said.
“Why don’t you just go on about your business?”
“I do love adventures,” the deep voice said.
Lulu wondered how long the coyote would hang on before getting bored. She hoped not too long, because she found his invisibility unnerving.
“What ever we do won’t matter much anyway, because the witch will likely turn you into sugar like Special back there,” the coyote said. “Of course, that was before she fixed that problem with her snakes. She turned a number of varmints to sugar statues before she got it worked out.”
“Who was Special, anyway?”
“Nobody important, but I'm very busy and must be on my way.”
“Good,” Lulu answered. After a blab-free minute, she decided he'd probably scrammed.
[81]Beware believing facts bandied about by witches. They will be redolent of ridiculousness and absurdity, imparting only perplexity.
[82]Leave off legitimizing observations uttered by Lulu. They are laughable and lamentable, efficacious only for excess.
[83]The girl’s name actually was Special, a fact that the witch took to mean that her parents intended that she should be on a menu somewhere, so now Special is awaiting her turn as an ingredient in a dessert special. Chocolate Mousse would seem Special’s likely destination.
[84]Never accredit an anecdote announced by a coyote. It will be replete with hoo-ha and hullabaloo, explaining nada.
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